What happens in your soul when you hear “better sex life”? For some women you’d like to shout, “better would mean no sex life!” For others it would mean, “if only my husband would cooperate!” Or perhaps your heart says, “I’m too far gone to hope for anything like that.” Don’t check out quite yet; there are things you as a wife can do for a better sex life.

A good sex life takes two people who are fully engaged in pursuing all aspects of intimacy. And last time we talked about what a husband can do. But right now I’m talking to wives.

It’s not uncommon for people to get married expecting sex to just naturally happen. But far too often sex becomes a huge area of conflict. It’s also an area where the enemy has worked especially hard to disrupt what God intended.

A good sex life with your husband doesn’t happen automatically. It takes learning, healing, intentionality, adjusting, and time. A good sex life grows out of a healthy relationship. As a woman God has blessed you with special gifts in the relationship area that you can leverage in helping to build the kind of intimacy God intended.

So here are five things a wife can do for a better sex life with her husband.

1. Proactively Seek Intimacy

You may understand better than your husband how intimacy involves not just physical, but emotional and spiritual connection as well. That doesn’t make you better than him, but it does make you different. So imagine using your creativity and love to find ways to invite your husband to come closer in those other areas. Both of you will find that satisfying.

Most women are only interested in sex when they feel safe and connected already. You probably see sex as an outgrowth of a healthy connection with your spouse. For your husband however, he likely sees sex as the way to connect with you, the means to connection if you will. (There are certainly couples where this is not the case.) Understanding this dynamic may help you to see that your husband may truly be trying to connect with you when he wants sex. And you can help him in knowing how to do that both in and separate from sex.  

Learning healthier ways to communicate will make a huge difference. (And that includes learning to talk about sex.) Don’t expect your husband to read your mind.

2. Hate Sex? Explore the Why

You have been harmed sexually. That may be from sexual trauma in the past, being objectified as a female, or even religious messages around sex. The “sex is bad” mindset many single women perhaps subconsciously developed from the church’s teachings doesn’t get magically turned off when you say “I do.” And you may have also been harmed by your own behavior or choices. For example, women can struggle with porn. And your husband may have added to your sexual trauma (even unintentionally).

There may be physical reasons as well. Physical pain during sex becomes a huge psychological barrier. Hormonal changes can complicate things.

And if it seems your husband is the one who hates sex, look for the Why there also. It’s very possible it has nothing to do with you! His own sexual trauma, his porn use, or physical issues are some of the possibilities.

Getting to the roots of your own sexual stuff will significantly change your sex life. If you need help to deal with past trauma, get it. Do it as a gift to yourself; you’re worth it! And if you can’t do it for you, do it also as a gift for him. (This is one of the areas for which I do coaching.)

3. Invest in Friendship With Him

Sex does not begin in the bedroom; it begins with every other aspect of your relationship. You probably know that even better than your husband. Take the initiative to work on the friendship between you. Find ways to invite him into your world. Look for how you can enter his world. Invest in doing things together. It will help both of you feel more emotionally connected.

This gets into the area of conflict as well. If you naturally avoid conflict, learn how to have the difficult conversations necessary to address problems creatively. If you naturally tend to criticize or manipulate, let the Holy Spirit deal with your own heart in making you someone your husband naturally would want to be close to.

4. Flip That Mental Switch

Especially for women, sex begins in the mind. First of all that means paying attention to the mental/emotional nourishment you feed yourself. Pay attention to the kinds of media you watch. Intentionally choose to look for things to be grateful for about your husband. Focus most on what’s positive about your relationship. Being nourished yourself will help you have something positive to bring to your marriage.

And as far as sex, you don’t have to wait until you’re “in the mood.” When an opportunity for sex presents itself, realize that you have much more ability to choose what your mind does than you know. You can decide to look at him a little longer, kiss a little longer, pause and let your body respond to his touch. You can intentionally choose to “go there” mentally, and it’s likely your body will follow. 

5. Make Sex A Gift

I am in no way saying your husband is entitled to sex! (And neither are you.) And it’s important for sex to be pleasurable for you too. It’s appropriate and wise to ask for what you desire, to explore, and to truly have fun.

But sex (indeed marriage as a whole) is not about what you can get; it’s about what you can give. It’s about learning to love well.  

There are important things sex does for your husband. You are not responsible for his sexual integrity, but it is true that the only legitimate way for him to get his sexual needs met is from you. Don’t use stress or something else as an excuse. Do the necessary work to deal with the relationship baggage that needs to be dealt with, and then bring your whole self to the sexual connection between you – body, soul, and spirit. That’s when sex can really get good.  

What to Pray About

Two things to pray about that will help you be this kind of wife.

1. Jesus, who do you need me to be to my husband in this season?
2. Jesus, be the glue holding us together.

Stay on your knees. Let God do His work in you. And see what He will do in your marriage!

Your Turn: Have you settled for “broken” when it comes to sex with your husband? How will you as a wife invest in working toward a better sex life? Leave a comment below.

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• Don’t put it all on your husband; God designed sex in marriage to be good for both of you! There are things you as a wife can do for a better sex life.  Tweet that. 

How’s the Communication Between You?

Whether newlywed or married for decades, communication is the key to the quality of your relationship. But most couples feel their communication is less than what they desire. 

Understanding your communication style, and that of your spouse, will allow you to take your communication to the next level. 

Discover Your Communication Personality Today