Most men want sex. And for the many men who would like a better sex life with their wives, it sometimes seems a frustrating and elusive hope. But there are things within your control, things you as a husband can do for a better sex life.

A good sex life requires two people who are fully engaged in pursuing all aspects of intimacy. And next time we’ll talk about what a wife can do. But right now I’m talking to husbands.

It’s not uncommon for people to get married expecting sex to just naturally happen. But far too often sex becomes a huge area of conflict. It’s also an area where the enemy has worked especially hard to disrupt what God intended.

A good sex life with your wife doesn’t happen automatically. It takes learning, intentionality, adjusting, and time. A good sex life grows out of a healthy relationship. For most men, that’s the area you most need to pay attention to. And if you’re not there yet, you’re not alone.

Here are five things a husband can do for a better sex life with his wife.

1. Seek her Heart more than her Body

You may see sex as a means to connect with your wife. But she’s different. Most women will only be interested in sex when they feel safe and connected with you already. For her, sex is the result of a healthy connection, not the means to get there.

I know a husband who desperately wants sex with his wife. But he hasn’t had a conversation with her that lasted over 10 minutes in years. The only time they take a walk together or go out to eat is when his wife pleads with him to do so. He spends every evening doing his own thing. They live completely separate lives. And he wonders why his wife is not interested in sex.

It’s up to you to find the ways to connect with your wife. Many women spell intimacy T-A-L-K. That means more than asking “what’s for dinner?” or reviewing the monthly budget. It means talking about things below the surface such as fears, dreams, feelings, etc. If she needs you to listen, you are truly helping when you do so!

So stretch yourself and talk! (And that includes talking about sex.)

2. If She Hates Sex, explore the Why

Your wife almost certainly desires to feel connected with you. But she’s also been harmed sexually. That may be from sexual trauma in the past, being objectified as a female, or even negative religious messages around sex. The “sex is bad” mindset many single women perhaps subconsciously developed from the church’s teachings doesn’t get magically turned off when she walks down the aisle to say “I do.” And you may have added to her trauma if you’ve engaged in porn or otherwise broken her trust.

There may be physical reasons as well. Physical pain during sex becomes a huge psychological barrier. Hormonal changes can complicate things.

Start by asking your wife how safe and connected she feels with you emotionally. And believe what she tells you! Work on that first. And once that’s dealt with, explore with curiosity the reasons underlying her reluctance about sex. She almost certainly needs you to support her, not to demand to fix her.

3. Deal with your own Anger and Entitlement

You are not entitled to sex. It’s not a right that you can demand. How do you feel when your wife demands something from you, perhaps money or help around the house? Demanding only raises the barriers between you and makes intimacy less likely. Sex only works when it is the outflow of two people seeking to give to each other out of love.

So, if you’re like many men reacting to lack of sex with anger or a sense of entitlement, it’s up to you to deal with that. (Who would want to have sex with an angry man anyway?) Connect with other godly men for mutual support. Invite God to deal with your heart. Learn healthy ways to vent and then replace your anger. This may take some hard work on your part.

Let your frustration fuel you to do the work of studying your wife, connecting deeply with her, and pursuing heart intimacy. That’s the only place good sex can come from.

4. Begin in the Kitchen

That might literally mean flirting or engaging in foreplay in the kitchen. But it’s just as likely to mean washing the dishes. The point is that sex does not begin in the bedroom with the door closed; it begins with the totality of the relationship between you. Perhaps more for your wife than for you, sex is not just about sex; it can only come from a healthy safe relationship.

This is where non-sexual touch plays a big role. Believe me, your wife will be able to tell the difference! Find out her love language, and speak it. If there is unfinished business between you, talk about it.

Some men can go along for even years thinking everything is OK when their wives are dying inside. Pay attention. Nourish and cherish her. (Ephesians 5:29) Invest in the relationship. Invite her into your world, and invest in learning about and entering her world. Be her best friend. Seek to serve her. You may be surprised at the results.

5. Make Sex About Her

If you approach sex as trying to get something from your wife, it will soon turn into a grasping match between you. Sure, it’s good to ask for and talk about things you would like about sex, but your focus needs to be on her – both before, during, and after the sex act.

Study what turns her on. (Hint; it’s probably not taking your shirt off!) Engage in the kind of foreplay she finds most pleasurable. Keep your eyes open during sex, and look at her! Talk to her during sex. Be truly and fully present with her. Work to discover what brings her pleasure. Hold her when she wants to be held. Those kinds of things will increase the satisfaction for both of you.

What to Pray About

Two things to pray about that will help you be this kind of husband.

1. Jesus, who do you need me to be to my wife in this season?
2. Jesus, be the glue holding us together.

Stay on your knees. Let God do His work in you. And see what He will do in your marriage!

Your Turn: Have you been waiting for your wife to “magically” be more interested in sex? How will you as a husband invest in working toward a better sex life? Leave a comment below.

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How’s the Communication Between You?

Whether newlywed or married for decades, communication is the key to the quality of your relationship. But most couples feel their communication is less than what they desire. 

Understanding your communication style, and that of your spouse, will allow you to take your communication to the next level. 

Discover Your Communication Personality Today