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HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

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Articles and Resource Guides about communication, intimacy, and other marriage challenges.

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How to Keep Intimacy Alive After Fifty

How to Keep Intimacy Alive After Fifty

Written by Carol Tanksley on

The stereotype of an exciting sex life during the early years of marriage that simply disappears as you age is just that – a stereotype. And it’s a dangerous one for relationships. Believing that a lack of intimacy is normal or inevitable keeps couples from addressing the factors that make for a vibrant intimate relationship well into the senior years. It’s possible to keep intimacy alive after fifty!

Sure, there are challenges, as there are with anything worth having. Your career, your retirement account, your physical and mental health, your impact on the world around you – those things take intentional investment over time. So does the quality of intimacy in your marriage.

It’s never too early to begin making those investments. But it’s never too late either! Especially for the married person fifty or older, here are some important ways to preserve and even grow the depth of intimacy with your spouse.

Care For Your Body

Men can face ED and declining testosterone. Women face menopause and loss of estrogen. Physical illness becomes more common. But it’s never too late to treat your body as the temple of the Holy Spirit that it is.

You know the basics; nourish your body with a variety of unprocessed foods, limiting unhealthy fats and sugar. Move your body often; aerobic exercise, strength training, flexibility. We know from scientific research that such measures decrease both the effects of menopause and illnesses that can cause ED. And those measures also improve sleep and mood, which are hugely important in having the emotional currency to engage in healthy intimacy.

And get a medical evaluation periodically. There are a host of treatable medical conditions that could be impacting your physical capacity for sex: diabetes, heart disease, thyroid problems, low testosterone, lack of estrogen, etc. At times treatment with appropriate moderate-dose “natural” hormones can be a true game-changer when it comes to libido and sexual functioning.

Nourish Relationship

Sex between strangers is unsatisfying and can be damaging. If you and your spouse have become strangers, sex may or may not be a place to start. For the majority of couples the friendship will have to be nourished and developed again before you can engage in physical intimacy the way God intended.

Mid-life or early senior years can often be a time when multiple other factors impact your relationship. Career for one or both of you may be demanding. An empty nest may mean your sense of meaning and family is challenged, especially for women. You may suddenly realize that you don’t know this person you wake up next to. And do you even like them?

If you’ve let these things slide, now is the time to put significant energy into developing healthy communication between you, and learning to do things together. This will take effort! Intentionally make an effort, both of you, to enter each other’s world whether you feel like it or not. If you’ve drifted apart, now is the time to intentionally begin walking toward each other.

Choose a private time when your spouse is most likely to hear you. Begin by saying something like, “Honey, I’m grateful for the years God has given us together. I’m grateful for you! We’re hopefully looking at many more years together, and I want to make sure those years are better, closer, and not worse. Can we spend some time talking about what we would like the next season of our marriage to look like? And what we can do together to help make that happen?”

Deal with Your Baggage

I’ve talked with many middle-aged individuals who experience “junk” coming up in this season of life. The busyness of raising kids or early career is past. Hormones may be changing. Life is happening, and things trigger you. It often becomes harder to pretend.

That may be baggage in your own heart. For many reasons it’s not uncommon for women to struggle with old unhealed sexual wounds around the time of menopause. Men may be faced with a “mid-life crisis” when they feel they’ve reached the top of their career, or old trauma becomes impossible to ignore. Addictions may increase. The things you looked to that gave your life meaning now seem unable to assuage the churning in your soul.

Deal with that baggage directly. Look under the surface. Get some help from a therapy group, a counselor, or another professional if you need. Ask the questions about your story. Bring Jesus into your story, and intentionally seek healing.

Additionally your relationship itself may have baggage. The union of two sinners in marriage is a setup for trauma. Have you forgiven well? Is there unfinished business between you? There is no marriage on earth where hurt has not occurred. The point is not to expect yourself or your spouse to be perfect; the point is to face that brokenness with honesty and grace, and invite Jesus into the healing process between you.

Pursue Intimacy

Intimacy – physical, emotional, and spiritual – is worth pursuing. It takes active pursuit to make it work. You will have to see intimacy as valuable enough to put the energy into making it happen.

That includes physical intimacy – sex. Sexual intimacy may change in older years. It may take longer foreplay to develop adequate arousal. Medical factors may be at play. But don’t expect good sex to just happen; it takes both partners learning about each other’s changing bodies and giving effort into their own bodies to continue the sexual connection.

Make the mental commitment to intimacy. Make the commitment to move in your spouse’s direction, and your body may well follow. Invest the time and effort to have the difficult conversations, including about sex. Determine to not leave unfinished business in your relationship.

The connection between physical and emotional intimacy becomes even more important as the years go by. Work on the safety between you. Ask yourself, “What’s it like to be married to me?” Learn how to invite your spouse to come closer.  

Lasting Intimacy

We know scientifically that there are many seniors who enjoy intimacy, including sex, well into their eighties or nineties. Sex can continue to have elements of excitement and joy. But the elements of safety, comfort, and satisfaction become increasingly important.

But you won’t experience that kind of intimacy without intentional investment. Regardless of what life stage you are now, begin making those investments. If intimacy has broken down, search for the Why and deal with it.

And your ongoing and future connection with your spouse – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – will be well worth the effort.

(If you need some individual coaching in this area, send me a confidential message and we can talk about it.)

Your Turn: How well are you investing in the intimacy between you and your spouse? Where do you need to start making investments now? Leave a comment below.

Tweetables: why not share this post? 

  • You can keep intimacy alive after fifty! But it takes intentional investment to do so. It’s never too early – or too late – to invest in the physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy in your marriage.   Tweet that. 

Is Your Communication Broken?

Better communication is the Number 1 issue couples want improved in their relationship. Understanding your Communication Style will be an important step in making your communication more effective.

This brief FREE Communication Personality Assessment will provide you personalized results indicating your communication strengths, communication challenges, and some tips on improving your communication at any stage of your relationship.

Take the Communication Personality Assessment now!

 

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How You Can Follow Jesus in a Time of Political Division

How You Can Follow Jesus in a Time of Political Division

Written by Carol Tanksley on

This is election season in the United States. The rhetoric and unrest show how our country is perhaps more divided now than ever before. Blue vs. red. Conservative vs. progressive. Left vs. right. It can be challenging to understand how to wisely follow Jesus in a time of political division.

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PODCASTS

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Click on any title below to hear a podcast episode.

God’s Financial Plan for Abundance Even During COVID-19

Are you stressing about money? Since the onset of Covid-19, millions of people have lost jobs. So what can Christians do to handle the financial stress? Ryan Mack, president of Optimum Capital Management joins us to discuss ways to manage financing God’s way.

Resources Mentioned: 

And I’d love you to leave me a message on our Contact Us page. 

The Mistake Wive’s Make When it Comes to Their Husband and Sex

Is intimacy a point of conflict in your relationship?

Whether newly married or wondering if divorce is the way forward, trusting God and his promises for the success of your marriage is vitality important. But how important is sex in a marriage and what does it mean to your husband?

In today’s episode Dr. Carol talks specifically to wives, provides new perspective, and answers some of the toughest questions when it comes to men and sex.

Resources Mentioned: 

Join us in our online community the Fully Alive Group.

And I’d love you to leave me a message on our Contact Us page. 

How to Find Hope Through Mental Illness and Suicide

Mental illness affects 1 in 4 people. Although we know much more about it now, there is still confusion, stigma and shame surrounding the topic even among Christians. 

Kayla Stocklien joins Dr. Carol to discuss her experience of walking through the challenges of mental illness when her husband–a pastor who struggled with it and eventually took his life, and how God brought her through the challenges and grief surrounding it. 

Resources Mentioned: 

And I’d love you to leave me a message on our Contact Us page. 

Maintain Intimacy with Your Spouse and Still be a Good Parent

Along with the joy of having a child and raising kids comes a major challenge to a relationship–lack of intimacy. Is there a way to preserve emotional and physical bonding between you and your spouse without neglecting other responsibilities? 

Daniel and Christina Im experienced this first-hand as they juggled raising kids, ministry and careers. In today’s podcast they share the keys to not just maintaining intimacy but also ways to make it thrive. You won’t want to miss this episode. </p?

Resources Mentioned: 

Check out more about Daniel and Christina Im and their ImBetween podcast on their Website, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

And I’d love you to leave me a message on our Contact Us page. 

For more podcast episodes click here!

MORE PODCASTS

SUCCESS STORIES

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Your life's experience, work, and ministry is really blessing my life. Thank you Dr. Carol - from one ministered soul to you a mouthpiece of God's Word. Whew! So I just shed a few more tears while writing this.

Mady

Your videos and articles helped me greatly. I had decided that that if by a certain time my husband and I were not making progress, I was leaving. But then my husband and I talked!!! We have a long way to go, but with God we will succeed. Thank you Lord, and thank you Dr Carol."

Anne

We faced this hurdle where we needed help. Dr Carol listened, and when she gave advice it felt like it was without judgement and made us both see the issue in a new perspective. Now our marriage is stronger than ever.

Brian & Suzi

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ABOUT ME

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Hello, my name is Dr. Carol Tanksley

I’m an OB-Gyn physician, Doctor of Ministry, author, and speaker. And I’m so happy you’ve joined me on this journey to live Fully Alive!

I’ve practiced medicine for 25 years (in Texas since 2005), and am board certified in Obstetrics-Gynecology and Reproductive Endocrinology. I currently practice part-time, providing short-term relief for other OB-Gyn physicians and hospitals. This provides the flexibility for me to do more of the ministry work I love.

While continuing to practice medicine, I also obtained an M.Div. (Master of Divinity), and then a D.Min. (Doctor of Ministry) from Oral Roberts University, focusing on Christian leadership. My husband Al and I together produced a regular radio program “The Dr Carol Show” from 2009 until not long before his death in 2016.

Speaking, writing, and connecting with people both here and around the world lets me help men, women, and couples live more Fully Alive and experience the good health, loving relationships, and joyful spirituality that Jesus came to bring us.

I live in Austin, Texas, where I get to enjoy being Grandma Carol to four wonderful grandchildren.