If you’re a Christian and you’ve been in church, you’ve probably heard the message “sex is for marriage.” But you’re not married right now. So what are you supposed to do with the sexual part of you? What if you’ve “messed up?” How do you handle sex and intimacy when you’re single – and Christian?

God created you as a sexual being, an embodied being. Your biological sex hormones, sex organs, sex drive was part of the way you were made. And like the hunger for food, your sexuality can be used in both healthy and destructive ways. If the desire, the need, and the capacity for intimacy is God-given, what do you do when you don’t have a spouse? And what do you make of how sex and intimacy connect, or at least are “supposed” to?

To begin, let me apologize to you as a single Christian on behalf of the “church.” The modern body of Christ, in general, has done a grave disservice to unmarried people by idolizing marriage. You may have gotten the idea that, to God, marriage is “better.” You’re somehow a second-class follower of Jesus if you’re single. In Christian circles singleness has often been portrayed as nothing more than a “waiting room” for marriage.

That’s so not true!

Was Jesus in a “waiting room” when He was here on earth? The most Fully Alive human being ever to walk this earth was never married, never had sex. Marriage is not the goal of the Christian life; becoming like Jesus is the goal (Romans 8:29).

But that doesn’t fully answer the question about what you’re supposed to do with your own sexuality as a single Christian.

Your Need for Intimacy

God created you with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy. That’s part of how you are made in the image of God! Contemporary culture, and even many in the church, would have you think that this means sex. But sex and intimacy are not the same.

If you’ve been married previously or know married people well, you may realize that neither intimacy nor sex is guaranteed in marriage. And today’s culture makes it easier than ever to experience sex without marriage – or intimacy.

But you still need intimacy. It all feels like a double bind.

Maybe you want to get married but don’t see any good prospects. Or you don’t want to ever get married because of the troubled marriages you’ve seen (or experienced), or for some other reason. Perhaps because of what’s happened to you or somethiung you’ve done you don’t think a healthy marriage would ever be an option for you. So if you’re not married, what are you supposed to do about sex? Or intimacy?

In trying to satisfy your need for intimacy you’ve responded in ways that have been hurtful. And the enemy loves to exploit your need for intimacy to drive you to all sorts of destructive behaviors and beliefs.

That may be porn, friends with benefits, serial hookups, living together without marriage, or a host of other “options.” But it may also be the walling off of your heart to any intimacy, any real relationships. And sexual trauma is almost universal; you’ve almost certainly been harmed sexually in some way or many ways.

Lonely, ashamed, isolated, addicted, frustrated, angry, bitter, hurting – whether this is 1% or 99% of your experience, you’re affected.

And you need something to change.

Your Sexual Story

You didn’t wake up one day and decide to have “issues” around sex. Stuff happened to you. And then you responded. It’s often hard if not impossible to determine where someone else’s “fault” ends and yours begins. But that’s not really the question, anyway. Jesus is not so much concerned with portioning out blame as He is with inviting you into a journey of transformation.

And that begins with addressing your sexual story. Things like:

• When and how did you first learn about sex?
• What did you see modeled growing up when it comes to sex, sexuality, and intimacy?
• What are the ways in which you have been sexually harmed?
• If you want sex, what are the “under the surface” needs that you are trying to get filled?
• What feelings do you have around sex, sexuality, intimacy? Do you believe those feelings line up with what God intended? What if they don’t?
• How have you dealt with issues such as shame, anger, or entitlement around sex?
• What religious messages have you heard around sex? Are you certain those messages line up with what God intended?

And there’s one question that may be the most important:

How are you addressing your need for intimacy right now?

It’s no harder for Jesus to deal with your sexual “stuff” than with any other problem you have. When He was here on earth He faced the same issues you have; He had to deal with His need for intimacy! And He addressed people facing sexually-related issues just like He did everyone else – with honesty and compassion. He’s not saying, “Get your act together, and then we’ll talk.” Instead, He’s inviting you to invite Him into your story.

And that can change everything.

And I’m inviting you to join me in our new Sexpectations online course. There you will address all the parts of your sexual story with honesty and compassion, and find the transformation and healing you need. You’ll learn the tools that will make a new lifestyle possible as you grow into sexual wholeness. And you’ll experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story. And everything changes with Jesus shows up!

The Sexpectations online course will allow you to find healing and transformation. And you will be enabled to write the next chapter with hope – including what it means to find real intimacy.

Your Turn: As a single Christian, are you struggling with issues around sex and intimacy? What might need to change in how you are addressing your need for intimacy? Leave a comment below.

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• How do you handle the sexual part of you as a single Christian? Regardless of whether you want sex or not, or want marriage or not, what you DO need is intimacy. And the Christian church can do better at helping unmarried people with that.  Tweet that.