Everything’s fine? Great! I’d love to meet you! But for the rest of us, the whole world doesn’t need to know your “stuff,” but somebody does. If you were, oh, having an affair, struggling with suicidal thoughts, hooked on porn, feeling terrified or full of rage, who would know? Who would you tell? You, yes you, need a friend.

Alost everyone pays lip service to the idea of needing a friend, but often that’s considered a nice-to-have instead of a life-saving necessity. Jesus, God Himself here on earth in human form, needed a friend. Not just people around Him, but a few who were truly with Him, who He could be real with, who understood and supported Him. If Jesus needed that, do you think you’ll get through with anything less? Who is your Peter, James, and John?

You might say, “My friend is Jesus.” And He is! There is no one else in the universe who will never leave you, who understands you perfectly, who is available to you 24/7 every day of your life. And yet, Jesus Himself demonstrated how critical it is to have connection with a few others human beings.

But this is hard. Really hard! How do you find a friend?

What a Friend Can – and Can’t – Do For You

In looking for a friend it helps to understand what a friend can – and can’t – do for you. A friend cannot save you, fix you, or fight your battles for you. A friend cannot be available 24/7, perfectly understand every nuance of your heart, or do your growing for you.

But in God’s economy He intended human beings to be become whole together. As a relational being Himself, He created you and me as relational beings in His image, with the true need for intimacy. (That’s not sex!) This does not mean going to people for what only God Himself can do, but it does mean we only become whole through connection with others.

A friend will disinfect your shame through being present to the unpleasant parts of your story. They can provide insight, support, and encouragement as they challenge you to be a better version of yourself. You become healed as you walk with someone(s) who truly sees and knows you (James 5:16). Praying friends make a difference.

This is not a superficial “silent prayer request” at church or small group. This is more like, “my job is on the line and I’m lying awake at night scared.” Or, “my triggers to go to porn are about to take me out!” Or, “I’m struggling with even wanting to stay alive.” You can only get that real with one or a few people. That’s how God intended us to live in this world.

You will become more like the people you are closest to. Are your friends going in the direction you want to go? Get closer! Are they going somewhere else? You might need to find new friends.

How to Find a Friend

This is hard. I find it hard myself. Of all the things I talk with people about, this is usually the hardest step for them also. If you can, right now, answer the question “Who would you tell if . . .?”, then great! If the answer is “no one”, stop right here, get a pen and paper, and do this:

1. Mentally survey the people in your life. You might look through the list of contacts in your phone. Who do you already know who might be safe? Write down a list of a few names, perhaps 5-10.
2. Pray over your list. Whose name does God seem to be highlighting to you? Thinking of talking with them might feel outrageous, but don’t dismiss them too quickly. Pause at the name of the person God is bringing up in your soul.
3. Send that person this text. Right now! “I’m grateful I know you. God is working in my heart, and I know I need to talk. When can we meet for coffee?” If neither of you is a coffee person, meet somewhere else, such as going for a walk together. But just send the text.

Maybe you’re already connected with one or a few people who are reasonably safe, and you’re ready to go to the next step.

What do You Say?

When you meet for coffee (or whatever), how do you take that next step to get one level deeper? What do you say?

That “thing” that you’ve not wanted to say? That’s what you say. You talk about the thing you don’t want to talk about. That might be something like, “I’m really nervous to talk about this, but I know I need to. I’m not asking you to fix me; I just need somebody to know, and to be with me in this.” And then you speak it, or at least a part of it:

• My porn struggle is out of control.
• My son wants to be a girl.
• I’m lying awake at night over financial worries.
• My spouse is threatening to leave.

And you’re looking for them to literally or figuratively lean in; “Wow. That’s really hard.” Or, “You too? I’ve struggled with that.” Or, “I’m so sorry. What’s that been like?” You do NOT want a spiritual bypass, a quick Scripture or prayer to “fix” things; that can feel condescending. You first need to feel felt and heard. You need somebody with you. And only then can Scripture or prayer be helpful.

After you talk – 15 minutes, an hour, whatever – make sure to plan a time to touch base again. “Is it OK if I text or call you later this week? I need to know you’re there.”

For Leaders

Perhaps you’re a small group leader or other Christian leader. Let me encourage you to go first. In your group, demonstrate what this is like. You can’t do this with 50, but you can do it with 6 or 8. You might preface this by saying, “For myself and for you, I need to push for a deeper level of being real. Here’s what’s real for me right now. It’s not easy for me to say this, but this is how Jesus intended us to be together.” And then say it.

You can’t do this in a 6-week book study, as helpful as those may be. You need to be thinking in terms of a long-term investment in a few people. Go first, and then invite someone else to follow in like manner.

Hard. But Good.

Yes, this is hard. And risky. You might get hurt. Jesus did! But He pursued that kind of connection anyway. If you get hurt, pause. Step back – temporarily. Ask Jesus, “What do You need me to know about this? What do I need to learn?”

And then reach out again.

Your own heart, your own transformation, and those around you, will only grow to the degree that your secrets are dealt with. You don’t share with the world, but you must do it with a few.

Who is your Peter, James, and John?

OK, did you send that text? If you haven’t, go back to that section and send that person a text. Yup, right now. Just do it!

Your Turn: In the hard work of finding and nurturing a friend or a few friends, where are you in that process? What next step do you need to take?   Leave a comment below.

Want more? On this week’s podcast episode I talk with Tom Bennardo about the kind of community God intended His church to be, and how to move toward that. Listen or watch.

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• Find a friend. There will be no single greater way to become the kind of person you want to be and that God wants you to be than to find a friend. Here’s now to do that.  Tweet that.

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