What To Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You

What To Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You

“I’m definitely not getting enough L.U.S.T. – Love, Understanding, Sex, and Trust.”

(This is a post specifically written for husbands. For wives, we’ll have a post just for you next week.

That sad and somewhat crude comment came from a respected spiritual leader, and I knew right then that his marriage was in trouble. I can only hope he and his wife got some professional help while they still could.

I’ve heard from husbands of my patients, blog readers, radio listeners, and others about how frustrated and even angry a man can become when repeatedly rejected sexually. My husband told me about a former friend of his whose marriage was destroyed over this issue. And I remember sitting with a classmate and his wife, watching him boil inside with embarrassment and powerlessness over his wife’s emotional and physical distance.

As a woman, I could copy the social correctness and start blaming men for being insensitive and single-minded (sexually, that is). But that’s often not the case. First of all, I believe God made you the way you are. And if some in the Christian church have led you to believe you are spiritually defective because of your sexual drives, I apologize on their behalf. God needs you to be strong, virile, masculine! (More on that another time.)

But as a woman, I want to give you the inside story on how to get more of what you want and need – WITHIN  your marriage only, of course. Your wife is completely responsible for her behavior: if she is behaving badly, that’s her problem.

But rather than feeling sorry for yourself, or looking outside your marriage for satisfaction, here are five questions to consider, and some practical things you may do, that have a good chance of improving the sexual connection between you and your wife.

What YOU Can Do

1. Does she feel loved by you?

The Number One love need for women is unconditional love, just like it is for men. This is not an excuse for you to blame yourself, but it’s an important question to consider. Many women will only be able to engage sexually if the emotional temperature between you is warm. She is likely to have a much harder time than you do in putting “unfinished business” in your relationship aside to be sexual right now.

Your part: be sure she knows you love her unconditionally, using HER love language. If there are conflicts, take the initiative to start working through them together. Focus on optimizing your relationship as a whole. 

2. Are physical problems affecting her sexually?

Women go through numerous hormonal changes during different life stages, some of which significantly affect her sexuality. Other medical problems or medication side effects can also affect her this way. A woman’s sexual response is usually more complicated than a man’s, and it’s worth getting a doctor to evaluate for any underlying physical problems that may be affecting her.

Your part: encourage her to see a physician. Offer to go with her: she may or may not want you to.

3. Is she too distracted, worried, depressed, or tired?

If work, children, worry, finances, or caring for aging parents is wearing her out, it may be difficult for your wife to find the mental and physical energy to connect with you sexually, even if she wants to. It may be harder for her to put down those worries than it is for you.

Your part: at a time when she can listen, let your wife know how much you miss intimacy with her. Creatively find a way to relieve some of her burdens: YOU arrange for a housekeeper or babysitter, or take over some of her “chores” temporarily.

4. Is she indulging her sexual desires elsewhere?

OUCH!!! That’s not a possibility any man wants to think about, but it can be a reality. Men may try to ignore the possibility of pornography, but women struggle with these problems also. And some women, even Christian women, do cheat.

Your part: be honest if you suspect your wife is looking elsewhere for sex. Get some help for yourself, and make a conscious choice about what to do about it.

5. Are you romancing your wife?

Foreplay doesn’t start when you crawl into bed at night: it starts with all the little things you do and say all day. A woman needs to feel desired, thought about, cherished, and cared for. She will sense if you only want her for her body, or if you truly care about HER. And caring for her unselfishly is no more than God asks of you. (Ephesians 5:25)

Your part: Stretch yourself and find a way to romance your wife. You were creative when you dated her: do it again! You may be surprised at her response.

Remember, you cannot control your wife. A healthy marriage, including healthy sexuality, is a matter for both husband and wife to continually work on. She is completely responsible for her behavior. This is only focusing on what YOU can do.

But you don’t need to remain powerless and frustrated. See yourself as seeking the key to your wife’s heart, and stay on your knees. Know that God understands your heart. He knows what it’s like to feel lonely and rejected. And it’s just possible that He can use you to be the catalyst in bringing healing and stronger connection in your marriage, sexually and otherwise. 

Your Turn: How does your wife’s emotional and physical distance affect you? What can you do as a husband to help bring the two of you closer together? Leave a comment below. 

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152 Responses to What To Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You

  • Thanks for link!

    1. Does she feel loved by you? The Number One love need for women is unconditional love, just like it is for men. This is not an excuse for you to blame yourself, but it’s an important question to consider. Many women will only be able to engage sexually if the emotional temperature between you is warm. She may have a harder time than you do in getting past “unfinished business” between you.

    Your part: be sure she knows you love her unconditionally, using HER love language. If there are conflicts, take the initiative to start working through them together.

    5. Are you romancing your wife? Foreplay doesn’t start when you crawl into bed at night: it starts with all the little things you do and say all day. A woman needs to feel desired, thought about, cherished, and cared for. She will sense if you only want her body, or if you truly care about HER. And caring for her unselfishly is no more than God asks of you. (Eph. 5:25)

    Your part: Stretch yourself and find a way to romance your wife. You were creative when you dated her: do it again! I bet you’ll be surprised at her response.

    The problem with this advice is it is nearly guaranteed to make the situation worse. Romantic gestures and acts of kindness don’t generate attraction, they generate comfort. Women aren’t attracted to men who are nice to them, they are attracted to men who lead them. Doing more comfort building with a wife who isn’t feeling attraction won’t make her attracted to him, it will make her feel repulsed by him. This isn’t to say that romantic gestures are a bad thing, but in this case they are like throwing gasoline on the fire. Ask any man who has tried giving flowers or buying dinner for a woman who wasn’t attracted to him in an effort to woo her. The best case scenario is “You are so sweet, you are going to make some lucky woman (but not me!) very happy one day”.

    The answer isn’t to do more housework, submit to her (Love Dare, etc), cater to her emotions, or “romance” her (in the traditional definition), the answer is to reestablish your position of leadership. If you can get her following your lead, her attraction will return. From a Christian perspective the obvious solution is to be faithful to the biblical roles of husband and wife. Practicing headship and submission is the biblical answer, but nearly all Christians are embarrassed that the Bible conflicts so profoundly with the dominant religion of our time (feminism).

    • Thanks for the comments, Dalrock. I would ask you, How do you “get her following your lead?” Women I know would gladly follow a man who leads her with Christ-like unselfishness, rather than one who wields authority as control.

      • I would ask you, How do you “get her following your lead?” Women I know would gladly follow a man who leads her with Christ-like unselfishness, rather than one who wields authority as control.

        Keep in mind that the command to wives to submit comes from the Bible, so a wife who doesn’t submit to her husband is displaying a lack of faith. The argument that modern Christian wives would submit if only modern Christian husbands were sufficiently Christlike and nice is disingenuous. It isn’t that men in the ancient world were sensitive new age guys while modern men are brutes. Also, a Christian wife who does not submit to her husband is refusing to follow Christ, so saying that she would follow her husband if only he were more Christlike is patently absurd; her husband couldn’t possibly be more Christlike than Christ.

        But just as there are things a faithful and loving Christian wife can to to make it easier for her husband to love her and wash her in the water of the word, there are things a faithful and loving Christian husband can do to make it easier for his wife to submit to him. For husbands looking to change the dynamic to one closer to headship and submission, one crucial thing he can do is help anchor his wife emotionally. He can do this by choosing not to allow her emotional storms to overwhelm himself when they are overwhelming her. In practice this means not catering to irrational demands, and remaining calm and loving even when her emotions are out of control. There are other techniques he can use to change the dynamic from the modern egalitarian (and flavorless) version of marriage, including playfully teasing her. If he does this right, she will both feel more loved and find herself more inclined to follow his lead.

        • Correction: “things a faithful and loving Christian wife can to to make it easier” should be “things a faithful and loving Christian wife can do to make it easier”.

          • Darlock, this is the best way I’ve ever heard this explained. I have a wife who simply will not respect me unless I earn it. Those are her words. It doesn’t take a man long to mess things up as you can imagine.

          • Earning respect does not mean bullying your wife nor does it mean insisting upon you own way. Sad to see such warped ideas being perpetuated by some posters.

        • Your wife is different from most women including myself. I feel sorry for your wife. I have a great husband and he would never approach things in your manner. whether you agree with a husband loving in a christlike manner or not it is a biblical command!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More biblical commands for husbands in regards to their wives. Bestow honor on her, cherish her, nurture her, do not be harsh with her, love as Christ did the church and laid down his life. Notice nowhere in scripture is a husband told to demand or make his wife submit to him. If he does he is already violating the commands given to him in the bible.

          • I believe you struck a feminist nerve with this one Dalrock. Speaking of biblical commands!!!!!!! What your view point on 1st Corinthians 7?

        • not sure where you get your definition of headship from. The bible doesn’t actually define what headship means. In order to understand it you must look for clues as to how it is interpreted in relation to Christ being head of the Church. You must also understand the limitations. Christ is God and perfect (never selfish or self serving) a husband is human, often selfish and sinful. (far from perfect) When you examine scripture to see how Christ functioned as head you can see that he functioned as head by supplying the body with all that it needed to thrive and grow.(Ephesians chapter 4) He also functioned as head in that He laid down His life to protect and save His bride/church. He was gentle with those He led. We do have a few examples of Him rebuking the apostles when they argued who was to be the greatest. He reminded them that he who would be greatest should be servant of all. He also told them He came not to be served but to serve. Men need to study how Christ functioned as head before they get all jazzed up with power and control issues over their wives. Christ was never selfish or self serving. He gave everything for the welfare of the church His bride. No husband can do this perfectly but that is what he is commanded to do. His wife’s submission is meant to be a response to her husband’s love and sacrifice.
          Why do we love and submit to Christ? Because He first loved us!!!!!!!

          Also, part of leadership is going first. A husband does not go first in doing right, in loving his wife sacrificially because she submits but rather because it is his duty whether she deserves it or not.

          Being a bully is not part of leadership. I am not sure where you got the idea that it makes wives respect more because you are a bully.

        • When a woman respects her husband, she can get him to fly to space to buy her a purse. As a woman, take your role as the Bible gives it. Don’t become the head or supervisor or the woman who hands out sex as candy for having her wishes fulfilled. If you don’t “serve” your husband as a virtuous wife, he’ll see you as someone he needs to struggle with to get something. A man loves the one he srrves(God) and the one who serves him(child, wife, friend, employee). My humble opinion from male psychology.

      • What is “Christ like way”? You guys are married, are not having issues. You play and all.. But never have sex cause she always have an excuse. What do you want the man to do? Run himself over? Life is hard but in a marriage, people have responsibilities. So for the next 1 month, a man can not get to have sex with his wife and that is a marriage? It is not. She is not ready. Sorry, but this is why you see men having multiple wives in Africa. The vast majority of women let some newly imbibed reasoning ruin their marriages. Just do your part in a marriage. If she chooses to have sex, she can. Her vagina is not blocked at that time he approached her or hurting. Smh

    • Dalrock, as much as I would hate to admitt it, you are probably right. My wife stays at home and watches two children. I work fifty to sixty hours a week. She started taking care of things like paying bills. Now, she’s buying paint and painting walls I tols her I’d rather not have painted. A few weeks ago, she decided to clean the house. She threw out my chair and ottoman.

      This whole time, I’ve been getting less and less intimacy with my wife; and I could only think, “Well, if I stay up eighteen hours a day and get the kids to bed for her, she’ll have more sleep and maybe she’ll feel happy and we’ll be intimate.”

      Two months ago, I made a post; frustrated with how much effort I was putting towards the simple act of trying to lay with my wife. She is empowered to the point of my asking her if I can buy things; while I’m lucky if she tells me where our money; that I work hard to earn, is going. Perhaps I should slowly tighten the reigns on her. Start moving money to accounts she does not have access to. Hopefully refinding my own masculinity will remind her of my needs as a man.

      Thank you, Dalrock

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  • When he does things just to get sex and not out of the goodness of his heart, when he is rude to you, when he walks 10 paces ahead of you,Treats his baby sister like a princess, but treats you as a slave. when he says he can treat you anyway he wants because he makes the money,…………..and it makes my skin crawl!

    • Sounds like a text-book description of what a guy should NOT do. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

      • DrCarol, your bias shows as clear as day. I agree with your response to this post but, after reading though your article, and reading through the comments, it’s obvious that you are looking at this issue from a female point of view alone, and not really inclined to help men. You give decent advice in your article but a majority of your commentors are men that have tried what you have suggested, and are still failing. They’re taking the time to pour themselves out to you and the only responses you’ve given were to 1, a positive review, and 2 a woman that had a difficult experience with a man. Sorry Dr. Carol, but you’ve lost my respect.

        • Well i am one of those millions of husbands who are not sexually fulfilled by their wives. Before reading this forum i was thinking that this is the case only with me, but its a “UNIVERSAL TRUTH i think”. But as you all know that we have to fulfill our sexual desire what should we do. Once i became so negative that i thought i will not ask her for sex next time and will do it my self alone by videos / pics / or some natural ways (but this is so bad as it is demaging my personality)

          Any suggestion from friends?

      • Is this honestly the only response worth your time? A woman that read the article that’s written for men? I’m with no_response, that your article was pretty much helpless. I am the only bread winner for my household, yet I allow my wife to make every choice. Whatever she wants, I let her use our money; that only I earn. But when I want somthing I have to ask for her permission–To use what I honestly should call, “My money.” I posted about my own experiance two months ago. Many others have posted very similar bad situations. However, this is the only reply you can bother responding to.

        Maybe I should find Dr. Phil’s article on this issue. I can only assume he is not an empowered feminist bend on the destruction of men as this world knows them.

        Men like myself work sixty hours a week to support our wives and children. We get home from doubles, take out the garbage, take care of the children, and watch our wives go to bed and lock the door behind themselves so we can’t even try for a pass; and get to sleep on the couch. It is an exhausting cycle that rarely has intimacy put into it without days, or weeks, of hinting, begging, and finally fighting.

        You obviously read comments because you came across the one comment that should have been in a different thread and replied to it. Please, reply to any of us that aren’t scum bags. Reply to one of us that have been trying what you reccomend; before you wrote this article (or at least before we’ve read it). Tell us super husbands what else we can be doing to help our wives want to be intimate. Not, “It’s been two weeks and you’re crabby, a quickie to hold you over; pity sex,” but true intimacy. Last time I lit a candle in the middle of the night, my wife immidiately scolded me to blow it out before I went to sleep. The romance in my marriage is all but dead; many other men are having this issue. Please, save your prayers, and share your thoughts with us.

    • Ok. I like this. Because I have the exact opposite. My wife refuses because says I don’t make the bacon. Treats me however she wants. Here’s the kicker she is not willing to let go of her job so I will be the bread winner

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  • I don’t know what to do. I’ve been searching for an answer, and the advise, while sound, does not really help me. I’ve done these things…for a LONG time. I have no doubt my wife knows I love her completely and unconditionally, nor do I doubt that she loves me, but I doubt her desire for me. I do EVERYTHING at the house as far as kids, chores, cooking, everything. She just doesn’t want it. She is willing, she will often say “We can if you want” which for me is nothing if she doesn’t want it too. It only frustrates me further. I know it is not her stepping out, we don’t have time for that. She just is not interested in it. She took a new medication about two years ago and for a month was insatiable, but then returned back. I feel like she is not attracted to me anymore. I see her with her “eye candy” on TV, and I never get those looks anymore. I don’t doubt she loves me, but fear that I am no longer attractive to her. Most nights she sits on her computer or phone looking at social media, or watching TV, long after the kids are down and we have our time alone. I really am starting to feel like a roommate, or a housekeeper and that is all I am really good for; chores and half the bills. We have talked about this many times and it always just upsets her, she says she wants to feel it, but she just doesn’t. This has been going on for 7 years now, and I just don’t know what to do.

    • you just put it perfectly:( You are not alone… at the same road block. I love my wife but I NEED to feel wanted not needed

      • Feeling wanted is so important. Does she know that’s how you feel? Has she seen a doctor? Prayers for you.

    • WOW! You just described my life perfectly. You are not alone. I am in the same boat. Reluctantly, I am slowly accepting the fact that women don’t really want sex…maybe 10 times a year they will crave it. My wife doesn’t deny me, but I know she doesn’t want it. She isn’t really into it until she is close to climax and then she just wants it to be over as soon as possible. So all the effort has to be on me. She is willing to be exactly zero effort into it. And it definitely takes effort with life having so many competing time commitments.

      • The circumstance you are in are similar to mine. I have addressed many times. She makes me feel guilty for rising the topic. She deliberately avoids with one or the other reason. Even when she accepts to have……she remains like a rubber doll with no emotions which make me move out. She is more comfortable staying away from me. No prankplays, no hugging and no emotional attachment. I feel rejected. Its a hell to live with a person who continuously avoids you. Its almost 3 years. Today i spend most of my home time playing with my son, make him sleep and also feed him sometime. Dont know where i am heading.

    • This is me to a tee. (Thank you for sharing, Mr. Lonely). And now I’m going on 5 years. I know she loves me. But, everytime we even try to talk about it, she shuts downs and doesn’t even want to discuss it. Frustration doesn’t even begin to reflect my feelings. We’re close to 30 years marriage. I’m 52, but she is 57. Our two daughers are now in their late 20s and moved on. We’re both in great shape. She won’t go to doctor or specialist because she doesn’t think there’s a problem. She does say she deeply loves me, but leaves it at that. I deeply love her, too. I feel like I’m in a relationship with someone who physically lost the ability for sex and I’m committed to never want it again because of this. But, that’s not the case. She makes sex jokes with her girlfriends sometimes, and our earlier years together could shake mountains (something she use to brag about with her friends), but I guess it’s over, now. And somehow, I have to accept this. Taking two or three more jobs might help I guess. I love her that much to still be with her, but, emotionally, I am breaking down and falling apart, inside.

  • My wife and I can talk about the problem but that’s were it stays, goes good for a week then its back to normal, sex about 5 time a year if i’m lucky

    • Same here. Women don’t have the drive that males have. Even the horniest woman in the world is probably about 1/10 as horny as the average male. Now I pulled the numbers out of the air, but the point remains the same. Men want sex all the time (say 365 times a year). Women want sex….maybe 10 times a year. Again the numbers are general not exact, but the point is the same.

      The difference between a male’s sex drive and a female’s sex is about as big as the grand canyon. This is the problem all males face.

      • I hate to say it to all of you but your wives have not settled down yet and were never really ready for a marriage! This is the unfortunate outcome of premarital sex! Yes they may have felt like marrage was everything they wanted at first but they remember what variety was like and are craving something different. This could also be referred to as a lack of maturity in my opinion.

      • Not for this girl I’m reading all these stories n can’t help but feel so sorry for y’all but feel the same as you. In my marriage I’m the one who always initiates who always wants but i get rejected or the line”only if yout want it” i get so sick of the one always wanting but not wanted in return it hurts so much if ijust wanted a roomate i would’ve got one… i also do all of the household responsibilities that need done except for cooking some meals. Yes my husband does work long hours at a stressful job n provides for me but i also work a stressful job to help support us (it’s just me n him thankfully I’d be alone in raising kids too sadly…) i want to come home and blow off steam by talking about how much I’ve been thinking about the guy i truly love n why i do what i do all for him n then blow off steam by doing it idk i just hope it changes for you guys is so sad to see good men mistreated n shut off by hateful people….

  • Why is it always “what the husband should try to do more of..” Or “speak her language of love..” Lets say the husband is the romantic, hes the cook, hes the understanding and aware one. Why are woman set to a different standard. Why is “im tired” a universal white flag. Im sorry but divorce rates were lower 30 years ago when women felt they had a duty. Theres no atempt today from woman to keep the men satisfied. Its a contracted roomate and they are fine with that if you never ask. Im a christian man in a christian marriage but these arnt the same women we started out with. Its a different world today and marriages are setup for failure. Women may only have a desire for a season but men are cursed for life..

    • This is exactly my marriage. I feel like i’m going crazy because I have unreal expectations. I’ve taken advice from similar posts and have been husband, and dad of the year, and the more I do, the more my wife expects of me, and for some reason, she’s always in the same position. She’s either too tired, or is just not in the mood. We do a date night, get a babysitter, I make all the plans etc. and we get back home, she’s exhausted and just wants to sleep. As a supportive husband, I try to be understanding as possible, and any issues she has with me in our marriage, I listen with understanding ears and will bend over to compromise for her and her needs, but the moment the discussion turns to sex, she gets defensive and angry because she feels attacked.
      I thought it would take a few years and at some point, we might meet in the middle, and I would at least find satisfaction, but the longer we’re married, the further we get from my needs being met. I’m getting to the point where I feel I’ve done as much as I can and it’s just too exhausting. Every article I read is from the perspective of the wife, and how we need to shower them with love and affection, praise the ground they walk on, and go beyond their expectations, or you may never have sex! I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. A sexless marriage for me is an unhappy one, and these so called doctors seem to think it’s a one way street.

    • this is so tru, why is it always us?? it sick, im in tears right now in frustration and hurt, just like we dont know what period or birth feels like, you will never understand the true meaning of high sex drive, im sick of these women who claim to have a high sex drive, women dont know what that is, you dont even produce testosterone! let alone suffer from high levels of it, i feel like, crying, furiously fighting and having sex all at once!!! and thats only after 2 weeks without sex, im a hormonal wreck, so dont talk about that rubbish of “women go through hormonal periods” you sound like men dont have hormones. it is sick how twisted my wife treats me and she wonders why i have mood swings, uummmm… let see, maybe because she doesnt even look at me all night, she never ever wants any interaction, if i touch any part of her body it hurts or bothers her but then her horse can tread on her or bite her and she seems to shake it off, shes cold, the last thing from loving, caring or romantic, this is mostly her, how can u even try to love someone like this…..i have tried every approach i can think of but trust me when i say i truely to the depths of my soul believe the wall would do it before she does!! i just keep praying and praying and it seems the closer i get to God the further i grow from her, she takes me for a Jesus fanatic though she said she was a born again Christian before we met and now claims to not believe in God!

    • I agree with you I’m a Christian wife and can’t help but feel men get really cheated on relationship advice why should he have to do more of anything when she isn’t pouring her efforts in too? Why is fine to turn down your man for romance or even just some time alone because “you’re just not up to it” ,but when the shoe’s on the other foot it’s now an issue when he probably is just hurt, angry n sad from the last time yout turned him down or the multiple times you’ve just stamped rejected on his forehead? Dudes shouldn’t have to do more than their partner is same goes for the ladies someone’s yout can work it out but sometimes people are just too set on their ways to grow together….sad but true

  • I just gave up. I am confident I have done all I can. I can only assume she is not attracted to me anymore. No advise works. She will just get made if I bring it up. We are good friends, that’s about it.

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  • I remember listening to a married woman who was significantly overweight telling people that she had no sexual desire, but because she worked and helped support her family, she felt she was meeting her obligation to her husband as his wife and he would have to live with it. Her whole attitude was that if it wasn’t important to her, it shouldn’t be important to him.

    Some guy who was listening to her say that asked her a hypothetical question: Lets say she was raised in a culture where once she married a man, she couldn’t eat any food that he did not personally buy and prepare. If he fed her only gruel and not much of it to where she was perpetually hungry and unsatisfied, but refused to alter what he fed her no matter how much she begged and pleaded. If she so much as took a bite of an unauthorized cheeseburger, that was grounds for divorce… Would she tough it out because he was meeting all of his other obligations as her husband, or would she leave him? She got very argumentative about that, but she never actually answered the question.

    Biology lesson: Nature gave humans a sex drive in order to encourage them to procreate. Believe me, if sex wasn’t fun or was minimal and the only reason to do it was to procreate, I doubt Earth’s total population would break half a billion. Anyway, women’s libidos are affected by their cycle to a large degree. They are most aroused when they are ovulating, the average which is 2 days out of 28 and although women can and do maintain a sex drive when they are not ovulating, it is usually diminished to some degree. Now if all the women in the world had their cycle in sync (for many, they follow the lunar cycle), then men’s sex drive would have likely evolved around the same way. However, women’s cycles are all over the place and any given day, millions of women are ovulating. To adapt, nature made men have a much, MUCH higher sex drive because they had to be ready to procreate at any time. Sex is very important to men for their sanity. If the average young woman doesn’t have sex for years, she becomes unhappy, irritable, but she can function. When men don’t have sex for years, they tend to do things like start wars. I have a suspicion that the reason why we are having so much trouble in the Middle East is because in fundamentalist Muslim countries, far too many guys are not getting any and they have limited contact with women they are not related to. That would drive me to be a suicide bomber if I thought I would get 72 virgins in Paradise for being a martyr. In China, their single child policy enacted to cut down on the population had the unintended effect of throwing the male/female ratio out of whack since most families preferred male children to support their parents in their old age. So many female fetuses were aborted or sent overseas for adoption. Ever notice that practically all infant adoptions from China are girls?

    Bottom line is this: Unless both partners have an equally decreased sex drive, if you want to keep your marriage intact, sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and do what you have to do. Sex is psychologically important to men as women talking to each other is important to them. If you are constantly rejected when you reach out sexually to your spouse, it emasculates and destroys men. Do what you have to do to fix it or get out of the relationship if you are not willing to do so.

  • My wife doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore and it sucks. What can I do to give her the hard bone once again? It used to be that she just couldn’t get enough. Now its not at all. She is currently reading this over my shoulder but I don’t give a shit. I want to ravage her with/without her approval. Can I do it while she is asleep? As her husband, do I actually have to receive approval before entering her? She is my property after all….

    • That’s a little much. Slavery was outlawed long ago. It’s immoral and wrong. Your wife is a person. Treat her like one. It may just be your the one percent that is killing it for the rest of us and causing us to really have to deal with your issues before we can move on to the real one and solve this.

      • Well i am one of those millions of husbands who are not sexually fulfilled by their wives. Before reading this forum i was thinking that this is the case only with me, but its a “UNIVERSAL TRUTH i think”. But as you all know that we have to fulfill our sexual desire what should we do. Once i became so negative that i thought i will not ask her for sex next time and will do it my self alone by videos / pics / or some natural ways (but this is so bad as it is demaging my personality)

        Any suggestion from friends? (i am not showing my original name)

        • As a woman I don’t understand the sex drive of a man, but I am one of those wives who hasn’t had sex with my husband for over 2 years and I feel guilty about it. ‘m 32 and have been with my current husband for 11 years married for 4 and I have to say I believe the number one reason that women do not like intercourse is because of hormonal problems, always a fear/risk of pregnancy (which is a major mood killer and counteracts the benefits of female orgasm if you don’t want kids). Sex is not always a pleasurable experience for a woman. In fact it can be downright painful. This is not something that a caring, sexually experienced man can necessarily improve. I went 10 plus years with undiagnosed thyroid and estrogen and progesterone problems even after blood test after blood test. Even in my 20s when I had almost no sex drive. Good doctors who actually take time to investigate or even want anything to do with hormonal problems are hard to find. It wasn’t till I was on bio identical hormones progesterone and thyroid hormone supplements that I had a sex drive at all This took almost 8 years to find doctor that discovered the problem after I practically self diagnosed over the internet anyway. Literally felt like I was dying physically and mentally. When a woman is going through menopause those hormonal changes do really affect your brain, I know because I was basically going through it at the ripe old age of 31. Most women feel guilty and insecure about not having sex with their husbands so we feel out of control. If I don’t give it to him he’ll cheat and if we do, it will hurt physically or minimally satisfying, not a failure on the man’s part just hormonal changes with age. To the men that think menopause is nothing or hormonal imbalances are an excuse to avoid sex with you, just look at your average 50 year woman who looks and acts manly. Nature physically and mentally changes you with these hormonal changes since from an evolution stand point we’re not suppose to be getting pregnant at that age other wise the children/offspring won’t be healthy and have the best chance of survival. If any of the men want other questions answered from a woman’s perspective I would be more than happy to help. Also I’m not judging men just trying to explain women.

          • Thanks for offer to help.

            We have one daughter who is 3 year old and I am 38. My wife is 33.

            I have done everything possible to help – done every single chores including cooking, putting my daughter to sleep every day, I take my daughter out for many hours so that she can have free time. Nothing has worked.

            So it seems that I should get her to see a doctor. What kind of doctor though? Just a family physician?

            Also what if she just doesn’t want to have sex? I mean if after seeing doctor, and confirming that everything is normal? she just says she doesn’t want to sex – if I want she can offer to masterbate me. What do I do then?

            Practice celibacy? I am ready to try that out. Sincerely. I know it can work. There are monks who do that – their focus is meditation, service to the world. Don’t you think when Gandhi was thinking of whole country, he probably didn’t care about his sexual desires? It is possible, no?

            Seperating from my wife is not an option. Firstly, she loves me, we have daughter, we want to have another child and finally, I think there is more to life then my sexual desire. What if my wife died and I never got married? That would be it for my sexual life, right?

            May be I will miss out on intimacy front, but world needs so much help, I can just keep doing my volunteering work (I teach meditation) and I love music, so just focus my energy just on that.

            At least one good thing is that she clearly has said that she doesn’t want to have sex, and has no excuse – it was hard to clearly even say that – perhaps it was too embarrassing for her to admit as she knows very well that I want sex – and I want to clarify that even once a month for me would be fine, even once in 2 months would be fine. But she just says no sex at all – so it is not about frequency.

          • Ok so intercourse hurt…..so what stopped you both from using other methods of pleasure?

  • You are with this woman, and she is not fulfilling our sexual desires. Welcome to the club. Apparently there are millions of men in this exact same predicament. There are countless ways to get your wife in the mood, but lets face it, the drive us men have exceeds the drive woman have and that is a battle we will have to face throughout our marriage. The alternative is be single, but if you have kids, not only are you starting at square one, but now you have a responsibility of a child. So lets cross out divorce. My suggestion is not to rebel, do not guilt trip, do not trick her, just accept it and remain happy. When the day does come gentlemen, you better make sure she is handled with sexual fury. Make her understand the lion inside of us is out and will be taking her to extremes in the bedroom that she has never seen before, and this has to happen each and every time!! Do not ever let her think that playtime is just to get it over with…Ever! Because if the time does come, and it is half as good as it was from the last, better believe you won’t see it again for a while. So in the meantime, keep yourself happy, healthy, fit, and strong. Educate yourself, pick up a sexy hobby. Keep the respect and compliments flowing daily to your love. Do not let a moment pass where you are not improving yourself. We will never understand woman, so do not bother trying to examine it and find a solution because there is not one. Be ready, you may even get lucky tonight! so what have you done that will help you blow her mind away??

  • My wife was never intetested and in retrospect only had sex in order to have children. Apart from conceiving she agreed to have sex maybe 30 times from 1979 to 1990. About 2 or 3 times 1990-92 and never since. 22 years and her only response was no. All I can say is that eventually you feel nothing and don’t care.

  • Well, Ill put in my 2 cents. I read the comments and posts and I am in the same boat. I have no answers. I tried it all. I love my wife and she loves me. She shows affection in every way but the bedroom, hugs, kisses, “i loves you’s”, you name it. I don’t think she has initiated sex in last 10-12 years. Heard every excuse listed in the book and more. I read posts about guys “testing” their wife by seeing how long they will go without even bringing up the topic. I have done that too. I have gone over a year, 3 different times. If it wasn’t me pushing the issue, it would probably go for years more. I tried the talks, which just gets her aggravated….I tried bringing up counseling, but she says no way. All this led to an affair. I got caught. We worked through it. Was I wrong? in retrospect…Yes. Here is the kicker…after I got caught, she would want to have sex every night for weeks. Now I am not a Psychologist, but I can almost reason why. I’m guessing she loves me and knows she almost lost me, and is doing what she can to make it right. Been married almost 20 years with 3 children. Looking back, I stayed on mainly for the kids. Although people (experts) always say don’t stay in a unhappy marriage for the kids. I looked at it the other way. I would do ANYTHING for my kids. And if it meant staying in a unhappy(but civil) to keep the family together, I did. For me I feel it worked. My kids are 18,16,15. Although I may not of been happy, I hid it, doing all the family things in life.
    Now that I am older(46), some things change. I pretty much accepted defeat. I love my wife to death. I even fantasize about her. When we are out with friends or pictures on social media, people think we are Websters dictionary of the “perfect family”.
    I have gone through all the emotions with my wife not wanting it. I always try to hide it now. But there is always a time where it comes trough, and she asks “whats wrong?, I know something is wrong” years ago i would say the truth. Now I just say “no, nothing is wrong”.
    So I pretty much accepted the lack of sex in the marriage, to me if the sex was there, it would be perfect

  • I have been married for seven years now. I have tried everything, but my wife emphatically will not have sex with me. If I bring it up, she becomes angry & says she has no desire anymore because she’s gone through menopause. She does not even want to do anything about it. Even when we did do something, she either said hurry up and get it over with or complained until I would just give up. I feel like I have shown compassion to her
    but now I have completely given up & don’t even ask anymore. I even keep myself in good shape. It’s one way I keep myself from going insane.
    I feel like I am living with a roommate. She sleeps in her room , and I sleep in mine.
    This is not what I wanted in a marriage. We do not do anything together in our marriage. It has always been one sided, and that won’t work in any relationship.

  • this is so tru, why is it always us?? it sick, im in tears right now in frustration and hurt, just like we dont know what period or birth feels like, you will never understand the true meaning of high sex drive, im sick of these women who claim to have a high sex drive, women dont know what that is, you dont even produce testosterone! let alone suffer from high levels of it, i feel like, crying, furiously fighting and having sex all at once!!! and thats only after 2 weeks without sex, im a hormonal wreck, so dont talk about that rubbish of “women go through hormonal periods” you sound like men dont have hormones. it is sick how twisted my wife treats me and she wonders why i have mood swings, uummmm… let see, maybe because she doesnt even look at me all night, she never ever wants any interaction, if i touch any part of her body it hurts or bothers her but then her horse can tread on her or bite her and she seems to shake it off, shes cold, the last thing from loving, caring or romantic, this is mostly her, how can u even try to love someone like this…..i have tried every approach i can think of but trust me when i say i truely to the depths of my soul believe the wall would do it before she does!! i just keep praying and praying and it seems the closer i get to God the further i grow from her, she takes me for a Jesus fanatic though she said she was a born again Christian before we met and now claims to not believe in God!

  • I’ve done everything listed by Dr Carol and more. I’ve tried everything that just about every advise that’s reasonable for the last 8 yrs. The first 3 yrs went nowhere but worse when I knew we were heading in the wrong direction.
    Then I broke my back ( I’m not paralyzed or sexually dysfunctional from that, thank God )
    Then she quit using all the previous excuses about why she didn’t want to and started using my back against me.
    We can’t have sex, you might hurt your back.
    We’ve been married over 20 yrs.
    Men constantly hear from women they want a man that will last more than 15 minutes. The whole time we dated and up until 8 yrs ago she loved the fact that I went on average 45 min.
    That was one of the first thing that she griped about, me taking too long. We have had sex 6 times in last 8 yrs and none in the last yr and half. It got to the point that the rare time I’d ask because I was tired of hearing no. She’s say “well I guess” that’s a real turn on …
    My son graduates from school and goes to college next yr. Honestly he’s been the only reason why I’m still here.
    I don’t want to divorce, I love her, but I have a lot of women that have no clue of how bad my sex life is that are constantly hitting on me.
    I will not commit adultery period.
    Any help from anyone. PLEASE.

  • Hello I need help with this, my wife and I have a a child now who will be 2 in Feb. Our sex life has slowed down a lot since his birth, Ive come to accept it. But now she wants another child, she been adamant about it for almost a year, my problem is that she only wants sex when she is ovulating, which in a way has caused some resentment on my part, I’ve lost the feeling in wanting to have a child under these circumstances. Now we planned for our first child, but now I don’t want to have another knowing this will be my way of receiving her intimately at will.please help

  • llo I need help with this, my wife and I have a a child now who will be 2 in Feb. Our sex life has slowed down a lot since his birth, Ive come to accept it. But now she wants another child, she been adamant about it for almost a year, my problem is that she only wants sex when she is ovulating, which in a way has caused some resentment on my part, I’ve lost the feeling in wanting to have a child under these circumstances. Now we planned for our first child, but now I don’t want to have another knowing this will be my way of receiving her intimately at will.please help

  • Interesting read this. Just separated from my wife of 27 years after the last ten without sex and doing my utmost to make her feel wanted, happy, loved and not taken for granted as a mum. A turn of her cheek just as I tried to plant a kiss, the turn away of a shoulder as I try to embrace her in bed to the point it was too uncomfortable to continue, her jumping out of the shower if the opportunity arose to share some together time there without the kids in the house. Locking the bedroom door to get dressed every time she had had a shower.
    She wanted to go to marriage counselling which I was happy to do. The counsellor told her to start flirting with me or lose me after a few sessions (joint and singly). Every morning she got cup of coffee in bed, I made lunches for the kids school, all washing was done and kitchen cleaned every morning. All she had to do was get up, shower, breakfast go to work. Every evening I’d get home from work and she would be at the gym. I’d cook dinner, and have kitchen cleaned with warmed food ready for her. Night time for her involved sitting on the couch watching endless reality tv which I cant stand. I would play PS3 with my son or do other chores as needed until bedtime. Washing, Ironing, cleaning bathroom/toilet, vacuuming, wash hard floors. I’d do this as she often complained about it but to my mind you just get in and do it. Go to bed to be met with stone cold body. affection?? what’s that??
    She has lost 20kgs in the last 4 months and started jogging. Something she has never done in 30 years I’ve known her. I’ve told her how fantastic she looks to be given a throw away ‘thanks’ as a reply. The thing that really hurts is that I’ve NEVER commented on her weight challenges or even her surgical procedures to help her in the quest for weight loss (lap banding). I love her for who she is not how much she weighs. Now it seems all the great work she has done is being spent on another man only 3 months after I was basically forced out of home. Not wanting to disrupt my teenagers final year important exams with angst I left to at least give them peace for their studies. We have a great relationship which is withstanding the onslaught.
    I have tried to make special times for us with holidays away and we even have a holiday home for us to spend time in. The last time we were there together she slept in a spare room.
    So: these articles suggesting that the men should make their women’s lives easier and more comfortable never seem to take into consideration the times the women aren’t actually doing it tough. All my married female friends are horrified at how things are going and cant believe it is happening.

  • I’m not surprised to read about how many people are having the same problems that I have with my spouse, I just wish there is a more clear cut answer to the issue, we have been married for a year and a half and my wife doesn’t want sex(at least not with me)there is very little touch and the sex is always started by me, it makes me feel like she doesn’t want me at all,when I ask her about it she says she doesn’t feel attractive but I have never made her feel that way, kids are not an issue.

  • Isn’t this what hookers are for?

  • I’m have learned not to fight it and give it to God, he said cast ALL your cares on him for he cares and if u keep ur mind on him he keep u in perfect peace so I am praying for u my brothers be strong I no it hard because I’m going thur it myself but I wanna encourage u to read God word and draw near to him

  • Man I am going crazy too guys. I have always put my wife first. and it’s always what have u done lately with her. I used to be a man whore . Went threw a change fell in love and here I am. She was born and playful the first 6 months then hit a wall. Some person shut came to light I been patient ect. But now if she don’t get her I don’t even get a simple kiss. I have 2 kids. I love my wife. But duck I need to have some love. Physical contact. I thinking of seeing a hooker. Just to get release. I don’t want to but I need it. I do everything to make her happy. I put her first all the time. But she doesn’t care about my needs at all!!!!!!!!

  • I believe that both men and women need to show more concern for one another. Not only should men try to please the wife and make her happy, but women should do the same. If a man isn’t wanting to have sex, try to see why and see if you can help him. Men should do the same for their wives. If she’s not wanting to have sex, talk to her about it, and see how you can help. However, men shouldn’t be the only ones that make an effort to fight for the relationship and make women happy. Women need to try to make men happy too. Show that you love and care for him as well. All most men ever ask for is love, respect, devotion, and loyalty from his wife. If a woman truly loves her husband, she’d do anything to give him that. Just like if a man truly loves his wife, he’ll want her happy too.

  • One day after a dry spell of two weeks (My wife and I are 27, so this is a long time to go without intimacy) my wife had hinted I would be getting lucky that night. She spent the evening out running errands with our daughter, and I stayed home with our son. While he was napping, I went all out to get ready for a night sharing a bed with my wife. Cut and filed my nails for her sensitive skin, shaved, showered, cologned, and had even trimmed; well my man bush. When she turned down my advances, I was broken. But instead of watching porn or anything dumb, I decided to write her a note. I typed her a Facebook (I know, impersonable, but I’m lucky if I can read my own handwriting). I addressed her as my darling wife, and let her know in detail everything I went through to prepare myself for a perfect night with her. I also asked her if she wanted me to simply “take matters into my own hand” instead of spending time trying with her. The note, though walking a very thin line, stayed on the more positive side of what I do to make her life of a housewife and stay-at-home mother even easier. The next morning she appologised and told me she did not know what I had gone through for her. That night was magical; rewinding to before children when our relationship was still fresh; a rekindling of a flame. The next night was a repeat. That was two and a half weeks ago, and I seem to be back to square one. So, even after rekindling our youthful flame, it seems constant fuel is also needed.

    I am almost to the point of telling my wife I won’t watch our children so that she can go to her church women’s club, anymore. I’m tired of picking up extra duties and chores in our relationship just to get less out of it. I quit drinking long ago and have done very well with it for the past six years; but this issue alone makes me want to go to the bar instead of coming home, anymore.

    • What you experienced is called “reset sex.” the refuser(your wife) felt threatened by your unhappiness and gave it up just enough to pacify you.

      Trust me, bring it up again and she’ll do the same only to fall back to her refusing ways.

      • So.. You’re telling me there’s no hope, or what? Just start a fight with her every time I want some so she’ll put out make-up sex?

        • I’m not saying there is no hope, but from the research I’ve done on marriages like ours doesn’t seem to show the odds are in our favor. Some people are able to work through it and reinvent their relationship. But that can only be done if the refuser is willing to work on changing.

  • I am ready to quit. Ive done everything in my power and really we dont have any serious problems or even stress. Shes just not into sex anymore. If i press even lightly and do so after trying to fulfill any possible need or condition there’s always something else i “didnt do” or “should have done”. Its not my looks. Other than maybe knowing i can get the sex i need quite easily from many places. Im trying to get it where im supposed to. Am i to tear my family apart just because i wish to fulfill my needs that my wife wont meet ? No, not in my situation. I think ill keep handling things at home. And really just do what i have to do to be tended to sexually. She probably wont even notice a thing. I. Guess the next time i get an offer when im in need ill except. I go above and beyond what should ever be considered being a good husband and father. But am taken for granted to an extreme. Am i so wrong? Im 33. In excellent shape and have tried everything. Not fair that i do without the basic things. Its always about what else a man can do. Sometimes theres not lhing left to do but handle it. And if she refuses to handle there are so many are willing to help her out. Im still the bad guy, thing is, the ones who would judge me as wrong arent in my situation. And probably arent taking care of things in their household. If any woman thinks a good looking hard bodied male is just going to do without sex she’s living a lie. You can’t have the race horse and neglect it and expect it to stay in the stable.

  • im very frustrated with the problems of trust my wife needs vacations away from me to fla. and when she get back its like she dont know me for a week or so ,im clean not fat dont need much care or babying icancook clean and take care of bills plus anything to do with house repair i feel lthat i bring alot to this marriage i complement her on anything she does i buy her flowers (sometimes )lunch ,donuts ,ieven hit a nice lotto once and that still could not bring her to change her schedual with respect to sex . that is only on saturday night after 10pmbut not later than 12 to me this is so controlling im at the brink of asking for divorce and theres no drive for her i said many times i will do anything with you sexualy when you want and to her that means you can wait for it .when i read this back i think how could i stay this long i feel like a customer or a begger for her love .

  • Yep, its all a big joke. They get you hooked before you have kids, and then after shut down. The more you do the more they expect. It was just easier when the men worked, and women cooked and took care of the kids. Today’s women expect to be breadwinners and “supermoms,” yet forget their commitments to their husbands.

  • I been married 5 years I got married at 21 my wife does not want to have sex I get sex like once every 2 months some times 5 I find my self tryna do everything that makes her happy but its never enough. But its so messed up cause if I go and step outside my marriage then im bad in the laws eyes my wife eyes and God eyes. But its like its ok for her to refuse sex with me the law even mad it to were u can’t demand sex from ya wife cause if she say no its considered rape. No man wants to raoe there wife so its like what do u do. It seems like we just have to sit and jump when she say so the laws in this new world has made it to were men fall and women grow I do not mind a string woman but there gotta be common ground

  • Ahhh the typical article telling men they need to jump through flaming hoops if they want to have sex.

    I have issues with my wife over this and have been researching this topic for years. It’s getting tiring seeing all these “experts” tell men the problem is them. Why are women not told to be intimate with men to see if they get more of what they desire? Oh I know why, it would be PC to say such a thing.

    The author claims to be a Christian, I wonder if she could post the verse where Paul says refusing sex Is ok if the husband isn’t all the wife wants him to be….

  • Guess at this point giving up is only thing left. Maybe if I had good sense years ago I wouldn’t have suffered so much. Zero sex for almost a decade. I make great money work hard go out of my way to please her. She can’t stand me everything I do is a fault. I am an owner/operator truck driver and haven’t been home in 7 months. Guess marriage is a fairytale. She threatens divorce often but she won’t leave me with what I make. I have no clue. She calls me mean names. I tell her I love her and she won’t answer back. I tell her she is beautiful and she calls me gross and repulsive. She says it means nothing to her that I say she is beautiful. I massage her for hours when I go home. Sometimes I spend hours using a vibrator on her till she cums because she is important to me. She turns over then goes to sleep. Lately she won’t even let me touch her. One time I came home to spent our anniversary together and she took off for days to go visit a friend that was two hours away. When she finally came home I had to get ready and go back to work after being off for 3 days. I bought her a birthday present once and not knowing she already had one she threw my present to her in the trash. No matter how much money she gets from me she complains often about it. I gross 5k to 6k a week. Nothing I do is good enough for her. I have come to terms that marriage was Gods cruel way of ruining mans life. I have been married 14 years.

  • Let me tell you the number one way to get your wife to have sex with you, if she is currently depriving you. (and this is an answer that women will probably hate, because it does not benefit women.)

    You need sex. She needs money, a roof over her head, love, and peace. Right?

    You need to look at your woman in the eye, and tell her that until you get sex, every .waking moment you are going to complain, you are not going to do anything for her, and you are not going to pay for anything or ever give jer another dollar.

    And if this persists for over two weeks and she still doesn’t do anything after you say that, then you need to tell her that if she doesn’t give you sex, you are going to file for divorce and shame her to her entire community.

    The biggest reason that women do not sleep with her man is because their man is a pussy. He’s a pushover, and she can’t respect that. She also doesn’t feel like she “needs” to. She thinks that she can get away with it, and still get money, and peace, and a roof over her head.

    Make it clear that you will not allow that. Stand up for yourself. She wants something you have… And you want something she has… you need to be better about taking, and be willing to give, unless she does her end of the bargain

    • Sounds like something snoop dog would say. If ya’ll loved each other it would have nothing to do with money unless yo a ho. If yo a ho and using your man for money then you don’t deserve to have a roof over your head or money, Go live in a dumpster with the rest of the trash.

    • I think you would know, because you must be having sex for a roof over your head. But strong women don’t need a man to provide a roof for them. I much rather have a small place that I pay for then have a man touching me when I don’t want to be touched. We go through life changes it is what it is , SUCK IT UP MEN.

      • No, you suck it up!

      • And, just like all you women, who act this way, “LIKE ITS MADE OUT OF GOLD”, go ahead and be fridged and sex-less to your man…
        THEN WHINE AND CRY TO YOUR MOMMA AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS,… When your man has had it with your sh/t and left you and is now banging some hot, sexy woman that DONT have all of your hang-ups!!! THAT DOES ALL THE THINGS YOU PRUDE A$$ WOMEN WONT DO!!! Ya, thats a great way to deal with it PRUDE!!!

      • I am sure glad you are not my wife.
        My wife of 23 years 2 children has no problem giving me sex or making love at least 5 times a week.
        She knew how important sex was to me before we married
        To be sure we had a contract drafted up and signed pre nups
        Now she was married once before and it ended in divorce
        Not because of sex.
        She told me for the 15 mins to 1/2 hr it takes to do it That’s worth it to keep me faithful and happy.
        Is there times we don’t want to have sex well of course.
        But as my wife put it for the amount of time it takes its not a problem
        It’s obvious that many women do not want to keep their man
        Or don’t give a shi. about their well being. If your wife is not giving you sex run. I guarantee you this if you divorce her
        The next guy she meets and is interested in she will have to drop her panties for him or her won’t hang around
        These days why get married women jump into bed at the drop of a pin
        It’s not like it was back in the 50s where the woman stayed home and took care of the house and kids and wanted make their man happy
        Now it’s all about their independence. It’s all about them
        These women today watch Dr Phil and other talk shows
        And expect their lives to be like make believe. I am sure glad we still want each other. I say if you are not getting sex get out of the situation. You may love her. But I will bet my life she don’t love you if she did she would drop them pants anytime anywhere

    • End of the bargin? Sounds like a zero sum, bargin basement, soulless relationship. Meghan, there is so much more than this, a “more” that transcends, a more that (unless you’re completely lost) you most certainly crave for from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. You were made for this “more.”

    • Nice to hear that coming from a women. There are a lot of men in this situation.

    • You are a true Hero for men. I really feel deep respect for you. While in history and till today there are many men who stood besides women against men to give them justice, I could hardly see any woman anywhere in the world till today who actually understood men and is vocal about mens issues. We surely need more women like you to help and rebuilt the society again which put lots of burden in mens life besides treating all men as criminals just because they are men. I am sure only if women like you come forward and change the social mentality and laws against men, the gender gap will reduce and both men and women can live together selflessly

  • Meghan – you are 100% correct. Women will use the couple’s children against the man too and threaten to take them, the money, house, etc. in a divorce. It’s a bad deal for men all around. Especially men who love their children and love being fathers.

  • I’m wondering what others think of my idea about this.I think If a man is totally crazy in love with his wife(what I believe women trully want)he will shower her with love and kindness.He will show that his wife is the only women in the entire world that matters.when a women also feels the same about her husband and she sees his passionate insane love for her(not lust)she will be passionate and if there are no distractions(kids,illness,problems stress)she will be easy to romance and persuade into bed.

    • This is 100% correct. Women feel love through care and gentleness.. and need to feel loved in order to “make love”. Men feel love through physical aspects more often and need to “make love” to feel loved. Yes the man might have to take the first step by simply showing your love for her in compliments, help take a burden off her shoulders and do a few things to help her out around the house (W/ out being asked 5x!!) do it out of love for her. This shows you are mindful of her and want to help her out because you care about her. It can’t be expressed how much little gestures like this mean and make us feel loved and secure and trusting. When we can feel loved through honestly a few small selfless actions from our lover it makes us 1. More attracted to them 2. When helped we won’t be so tired or stressed 3. Other emotional needs are met and we can make room for sexual drive!!
      For women it just doesn’t come 1st for us naturally like it does men. We don’t think of sex and only sex. Life goes on without it and when we don’t get help or feel like we are anything special and exhausted from all of our other demands it’s the last thing we think about. But it can easily become a desire when OUR NEEDS ARE MET TOO. Men keep saying they have needs. Yeah well so do we. So do a few simple things take a second to “romanticise” us if you’d like your needs met willingly. Marriage is selflessness. We are giving of ourselves doing a lot that goes unnoticed by our husbands because they take it for granted the house is always clean, clean clothes hung and folded, etc. it NEVER ends tak a moment to think of our needs and we’d be more than happy to give you yours. When ours aren’t met we can’t and don’t even think about your “needs” becaue we are busy trying to meet everybody else’s needs (including things that benefit you and are needs just not sexual) we try our best and could use a boost here and there.

      • Thank you for expressing this so well, Shaelyn. You’re exactly right. Most women would gladly be physically intimate when they feel loved.

      • A woman I used to work with said she figured out a way to have more time for the two of them and that was to hire a cleaning service and lawn/landscaping service. Guess it was worth the cost because they have a lot more fun together now.

        • That’s a great idea!…. but only if you can afford it. A good amount of people can’t. And spending money on things like that when you trying to make ends meet would only cause more problems. Although I agree that would make a huge positive difference if resources are available in this situation.

          • I totally understand. Many years I could not afford to hire a cleaning service but once I had more cash flow it was considered an investment rather than a luxury. My friend from work calls it the sanity keeper!

  • I’ve been in a celibate marriage for 25 years. Lots of reasons, most related to health – pain and fatigue. If the sexual rush were not so pleasurable a whole lot of problems would be solved. Then again, the human race would have died of a long time ago. There are some very good non-rush related benefits to physical affection – “not good that the man should be alone” is the greatest. Isolation kills the soul, lack of sex does not. If sex is refused and there’s no physical reason, then there is an isolation issue.

    My experience is that determining to honor your spouse is the first, most important, and healthiest step to restoring and blessing intimacy. 1Th 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel (meaning “hold his wife close to himself “) in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like people who do not know God.”

    My years of not “getting it” have actually helped me get it. It’s all about honoring the “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” as someone who is a joint heir and not just some warm & handy depository for my semen.

    • Thank you for clarifying the difference between isolation and lack of sex. I have heard from a number of men that the two often feel similar, but thank you for sharing how you learned that they are not the same. I applaud you for honoring your vows, and pray that God brings you many many blessings as a result. I’m sure it has been a challenge.

      • Dr.Carol – Do you have any issue with Toms reference of a healthy sexual relationship as a mans “warm and handy place to deposit semen”?? There are LOTS of good men in this world deprived of a basic human need – SEX – by their spouses simply because their spouse doesn’t feel it important or useful (after child bearing) or enjoyable. To cast biblical guilt on those men is nothing less than psychological abuse.

        • Jim, you’re right that there are many good men who experience their wives not engaging in satisfactory sexual activity. And as a woman I can look on and truly feel sad. But it is true that no human being has died because of lack of sex, though many have died (emotionally and even physically) because of isolation.
          I agree with Tom in this sense; a healthy sexual relationship between husband and wife involves more than physical intercourse. You can have intimacy without having sex – difficult, but possible. If a man sees his wife as a “warm and handy place to deposit semen” she will sense it and resent it. The only way to achieve true intimacy is to see marriage as giving of yourself to your spouse, not looking for what you can get – even sexually.
          My prayer is that you and your wife experience true intimacy – including the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects.

          • Take a look at my comments, tell me what you think.


          • Chas, I’ve read your comments. And I feel for you. There’s no way to make your situation easy. Two brief comments: with COPD your wife may well be struggling with depression as well. Treating that has the potential to help her be more involved in life – and with you.
            And second, if you’re asking if getting sex elsewhere is OK, that I cannot agree with. I’m not pretending it’s easy. This may or may not apply to you, but here’s an article I guest-posted on “Suffering in Marriage.” You might check it out. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/07/suffering-in-marriage/

          • Thank you for your reply and your prayers Dr Carol. It helps to read your thoughts and others as it helps me realize I’m not alone. For the first 20 years of my marriage I blamed myself for not being able to attract my wife to me sexually. I felt insecure and like less of a man, it took the attraction of another woman to make me feel better about myself. That turned out bad when my mistress became attached – my wife found out and instead of kicking me out, became remarkably more attentive. But it didn’t last. I have just resigned myself to the fact that she’s a good person, a wonderful mother but not a sexual person. I still have needs … She’s “agreed” to help me with an occasional release, but a large part of my sexual needs involve being able to pleasure another woman. I don’t want to involve another woman again because of the emotional ties that I’ve found eventually complicate things …. In a case like mine is prostitution so wrong? I realize the dangers and will be responsible about my actions and my selection – I know there are selective ladies that do this on a part time basis… I have needs Dr Carol – is there another solution other than abstinance?

          • Jim, I’m not pretending any of this is easy. By no means! I appreciate your feelings of “needing” to pleasure another woman. You asked “Is prostitution so wrong?” My response: if you can honestly – with all your heart – be OK with your wife, your daughter, your mother as a prostitute, then go for it. Prostitution treats a woman as a THING to meet your needs, not as another human being. This is not about guilt! It’s about bringing God into all the trouble, the suffering, in your life over the long haul, and with your whole heart seeking and accepting His guidance, strength, and wisdom in doing the right thing. My prayers are with you.

          • Thank you Dr Carol but that position assumes the woman is in the profession outside of her free will. While that may be true in some instances, many times it’s a choice that is very beneficial for all involved. Morally? The “need” to feel loved and appreciated shouldn’t be perceived as selfish …..

          • No, getting needs met is not selfish. But sadly in our sinful world we cannot assume all our needs can or will always be met. What’s best for us cannot be the criterion to judge what is right.

          • Jim, don’t doubt for a second that your “non sexual” wife would be like a rabbit in heat if she began cheating on you or got into a new relationship. She is just non sexual for you.

          • What do you suggest please?

          • Also Jim, it seems your wife never forgave the sin adultery you have committed against her. She still holding a grudge, because you have stated yourself her attentivnes to you did not last long. She probably is insecure and constantly thinks in her mind whether she’s good or not as a lover, is she as good as your mistress, is she as beautiful and sexy as your mistress. I pray that when adultery was discovered, you have sincerely genuinely repented of your sin and asked your wife for forgiveness. I pray that you have talked to her about her insecurities and reassured her you enjoy pleasing her immensely, that she is hot beautiful sexy for you and you are eager to be only with her to please only her, taking in consideration, however, she reciprocates the same feelings and desires. You have to be incredibly honest with each other about your emotions and feelings for the healing to even begin to start.
            I am speaking from experience. My now ex-husband cheated on me during the time of me denying him any affection and sex. After reconciliation, he wanted to come clean and confessed of his adultery. I knew he was sincere about confession and I felt like he was genuine about his guilt. He explained to me exactly why he cheated and I forgave him never reminding him about the adultery again. We left it in the past. Because of the sincerity of his shame, I did not hold grudge against him. He was the most amazing attentive lover, who, like you, loved to please. We never really had issues in the sack. We were both 100% givers. He always complimented me, told me how sexy and beautiful I was and he was always hard for me, which turned me on incredibly. Sometimes he would take me aggressively, which was another turn on. I always complimented him on his looks, his skills. We always communicated our likes dislikes wants needs. But even in the most wonderfully sexual partnership, men as well as women can cheat and there are reasons that happens. In my case, denying sex to my affectionate husband for months, which led him to stray.

            Last thing I am going to tell you that if your wife does not feel sexy beautiful wanted desired lusted for, she’ll never enjoy sex life and it always be mediocre at best.

  • Romance her? LOL. Who the hell wants to romance an entitled, cold fish.

    • Do you want things to stay the same? Then keep doing the same thing.
      If you want her to change, you will have to do something different. Romance may be the way to soften and warm her heart.

      • You’ve unwittingly hit the nail on the head. I can romance my wife all day long, and it’s her heart that gets warmed up. But that’s all; the sheets are still cold. Romancing someone who has no libido is a failed tactic.

        • Always a 1-way street with women. Whenever a need of theirs isn’t being meet we are responsible for it and when ours aren’t being met it’s our responsibility.

          • Wrong term, wrong perspective.
            If it’s a “need” of hers then yes, it’s his “responsibility” as provider/protector to fill the need but if a man has a need she calls it a want and it’s his problem, deal with it. Don’t tell me I’m wrong cuz I’ve been there.

            Now if I pay her for it that’s prostitution not a marriage, right?
            If I take it that’s rape, right?
            If I go somewhere else that’s adultery, right?
            If I keep it to my self that’s masturbation, right?

            Now God sees it differently.
            1 Corinthians 7:3-6
            Its supposed to be mutual consent.

    • Are you saying I should withhold access to bank accounts and money? So… if she submits to my sexual desires I can then allow her access to bank accounts and money? Couple flaw with that line ad thought – first, while I make 90% of the money in our home, I am not her dictator …. my money has always been hers…. to make it a “play for pay” situation would dehuminize her 2nd …. isn’t what your suggesting a glorified form of prostitution? Wedding vow or not! If I’m swapping money for sex it’s prostitution….

      • Jim, did you read the article carefully? According to Scriptures you are to provide your wife shelter food clothing sex as per Exodus 21:10. If you do not, your wife has the right to go free if any of the needs have not been met. You ARE A PROVIDER and have the right to decide how the money should be used. This is not dictatorship, dehumanizing. This is YOUR RIGHT as an authority over your wife to take disciplinary actions when your wife persistently rebelliously willingly deny you sex. She is defrauding! Denying sex is a sin. Her defrauding caused you to commit adultery, a sin that was punishable by death!
        The disciplinary actions are taken in most respectful manner. You are to communicate to her exactly why you are taken the necessary steps.
        Your line of thinking is exactly of a modern day man, who’s been fed feminism for too long, believing men and women are equals. Often times men forget that they have huge responsibility over their wives, a God given right to be a leader a provider a head covering for them. The position should not be taken lightly. It should be taken with all the seriousness. Jesus Christ is man’s head covering. He is above men, men are above women, women are above children. All have roles. Do you think that when we sin, Heavenly Father does not discipline us? He just allows us to run amok abusing Grace with no disciplinary actions taken and no consequences taken place? How much more then it is your responsibility to discipline your wife?

        • No -im no feminist – I just believe god created woman to be respected …. to demand sex “or else!” Is demeaning and doesn’t make for a rewarding sex life. Not to mention likely causes deeply seeded resentment. There’s got to be a better way….

          I want a loving – mutual – sexual relationship with my wife but if she does everything else right, and this one aspect (YES very important aspect) wrong – what exactly is wrong with finding that one thing elsewhere? The God I worship is full of love, understanding and Grace….. I can’t imagine he would want me to leave or punish an otherwise beautiful person because she’s bad at one aspect of our marriage.

          • By the way, I never insinuated punishment of any sort to your wife. Asking for what is rightly yours for you to take at any given time is not punishment. If your wife does nor understand that very simple principle, it is her fault.

          • Thanks Irisha …. I’m conflicted with my understanding of the Bible …. I was raised in a family guided by scripture taken literally ….. I am perplexed why a caring, loving God would put homosexuals in the same catagory as thieves and extortioners?? Do you believe homosexuality is learned behavior?? If so do some psychological investigation into the matter. And if – as proven by science – homosexuals are born that way …. aren’t they created by the same God as you and I?? Did he make a mistake???

          • Jim, when it comes to homosexuality it’s a tough subject that I don’t feel experienced or/and knowledgeable enough to voice my opinion on it. Scriptures clearly calls homosexuality an abomination, but it says that if two men lie with one another then it becomes a transgression. Is a man who desires to lay with another man, yet acts not upon it, sinner? I personally don’t think so. I do believe that many gay men that have been sexually abused when they were children either by their own male relatives or family’s male friends or a priest or a male teacher, if no therapy was offered after the horrendous experience, become gay in their adulthood. So, I believe in these cases it is a choice. There are also men who choose to try to engage in the homosexual activities out of curiousity. The experience of a mind blowing prostate gland orgasms keeps them coming for more. And there are gay men who have been encouraged to dress like girls, do girly stuff, act girly from the childhood. The correction of the desire to be feminine did not take place, major fault on parents part. Some boys do grow out of the desire to be girly, some don’t and become homosexuals. Even in these cases, I still believe it’s a choice. There might be a small procentage of males that are born with the inclination to become gay? I have no answer to that. Ultimately, when Messiah returns will be able to ask all of the questions we have today.

            I was just thinking, Scriptures allow a man to take another wife. Do you think your wife would consider for you to marry another woman and join your family? Your wife refuses to have sex with you, then she needs to understand that you have needs. Of course, you would have to be able to provide for your second wife financially – food, shelter and cloths and intimately – sex.

          • Irisha – those are aweful stereo-types you are perpetuating. I am a strait male, with no homosexual tendencies nor curiosities. Abused as a young boy i have had emotional difficulties but none manifested as you are describing. Gee, i must just be lucky? I think NOT. I know homosexual men that are simply not attracted to women, the same way i am not attracted to men. Do you understand how ridiculously backward it is to believe its proper to have 2 wives, yet condemn as an “abomination” two men or women that truly love each other? Its no wonder bible prophecy for-tells the end of the world – or Armageddon as a time when most humanity turns against religion.

            As for me, i will NEVER turn against my creator – only the dimwits that believe they are justified in their prejudicial ignorance and hate. As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord – the loving, caring, compassionate Lord thats full of Grace and understanding of the human condition.

            Your understanding of a literal bible, has God playing some juvenile game that pits the lives of humans vs his desire to teach Satan a lesson. Testing his IMPERFECT creation …….. into killing their own families, having sex with their own children. Now THATS perverse!

            Good day to you Irisha – and please – keep your hate to yourself.

            YHWH is LOVE. and LOVE, IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE.

          • Irisha
            I totally agree on your reply couldn’t say it any better

          • Jim setterly
            Hi God never makes mistakes the thing is that ppl wants to believe scientists are always right, and I truly 100% scientists are wrong on this. But I tell you one thing that if you want to be in a gay relationship that is your right and no one can tell you otherwise

  • Okay, I’m going to throw a bone in this one. I’ve been married for over 35 years. I’m in the same situation as must of you. Been like that for over 20 years. Brought it up with my wife 20 years ago also. Almost got a divorce because of it. But my kids talked me out of it. When I did bring up divorce, my wife did something I never thought she would do, she tried to take her life with pills. When that happened, I backed off. She changed at first, then back to the same selfish ways. Then she go sick with COPD. She complained that she has a hard time breathing when we have sex. I took that into consideration. I see a lot of couples not letting this get in there way. My wife doesn’t want to do anything but play on her IPad. She doesn’t take trips with me let alone anything else. I do everything around the house which is from doing laundry, house cleaning, shopping etc. We do sleep in the same bedroom. I used to initiate sex all the time but gave up. She would sit there like a stranger. After so many years of being ignored, I had the courage to get it elsewhere. I feel bad for doing this. But I don’t want to leave my wife because of her Heath. Please give me some comments on this, bad or good.

    • Chas – I can empathize. I’ve been married 29 years to a woman i have always fawned over and catered to . She would dish out sex like a puppy gets a treat for being good. Her idea of sex is getting me off as quickly as possible. Talks about random mundane things while we are being intimate. This has ruined my self esteem and makes me feel ugly. About 5 years ago i met a women and we had a 2 year affair. Totally sexual and the best pure sex i’ve had in my life (at the time i was 45) My mistress became attached, became wreckless and let her husband find out. (yeah, she was married to …. to a police officer which compounded my guilt but thats a whole other story) Long story short my wife found out and did a complete 180 – she actually started treating me better – pretended to like sex for about a year. We are now back to square 1. We haven’t been intimate in 3 months. And im doing what i need to do in order to try to satisfy my needs. Prostitutes mostly because i don’t want to leave my wife and hurt my children. All this to say Chas – life is short – do what it takes to be happy, don’t waste energy with guilt. I no longer am and its liberating. Good luck!

      • Thanks Jim for your feedback. Yes life is very short. I feel the same way. By the way, the woman I’m intimate with was also a wife of a police officer. But she a widower. I tried to stay away from married women. Don’t need more drama then I already have.

  • Dr. Carol,

    My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We’ve always been comfortable financially until about two years ago. Since then, we’ve been ok, but not “loaded” like we used to be. In these last two years, our sex has gone from 2-3x per week to once every 2-3 weeks! Other than finances, nothing has changed. I’ve approached her about the lack of sex and lack of affection (BTW, she’s NEVER been affectionate). Her argument is “I’m not an affectionate person.” Even after going through the Love Languages book, she claims that she doesn’t have a love language. That makes it REALLY hard to speak her love language.

    I adore my wife. I help her with everything (kids, laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.). I’m always telling her that I love her, always telling her how beautiful she is, etc. All of her friends are jealous that we have a marriage like we do. It’s just that the sex is extremely infrequent…and still no affection.

    I just hate to think that a wonderful sex life with my amazing wife is determined by our bank account.

    • Steve, Here’s my thought on the situation you describe. You put your bank account and your wife’s change in interest in sex/affection together. Are you sure that’s true? Just because they happened at the same time, and because your finances are so important to you, are you certain that is the same for your wife?
      I wonder if there may be another issue; is your wife going through or approaching menopause? Has she taken on an extra measure of stress during this time? If she’s complaining about money, the connection may be real. If not, perhaps it would be helpful to evaluate if there are any other issues as well.
      Study your wife to see what is making her “tick” right now. My prayers are with you.

      • Dr. Carol,

        Thank you for the reply. I’m absolutely certain nothing else has changed. We’re together nearly 24/7, so if there was something else going on, I’d know it. She’s 41, so nowhere near menopause. We can’t stand being apart EVER, so it’s not a question of loving each other. I have no doubt that she loves me. She just never initiates anything anymore, and I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about holding hands, kissing, etc. There just doesn’t seem to be any spark on her end.

        • Thank you for the comment, Steve. I wish I could offer magic: I can’t. But that doesn’t mean you are powerless. Although 41 is certainly much younger than the average age of menopause, I have certainly cared for some women who experience menopause at that age. Beyond that, I would simply encourage you to creatively find a way to talk about this in a way she can hear you, and talk about what you both can do to perhaps help her “come alive” in a new way. My prayers are with you.

        • You have to consider that she may be having an affair.

  • My wife and I have been married 16 yrs and have two boys. After all this time I still find her so irresistible and sexy. I masturbate thinking of only her, she arouses me to no end. She does not respond the same way though, avoiding sex and seeming like its a chore to just get over and done with. She spends most of her free time reading her kindle or texting and going on social media without paying any mind to me or interacting. It’s making me feel insecure, doubtful and very jealous wondering why she spends more time in her phone and not with me. When I walk in the room she closes her phone or kindle and goes somewhere else. I then go where she is and she repeats the same thing. My jealousy and frustration makes me react annoyed and bitter, and she just blows it all off even after I tell her how I feel. She avoids the conversation altogether. What do I do? I am so in love with her and sexually attracted to an incredible extent.

    • Maybe try becoming more scarce? Not saying that in a bad way, just suggesting you put more time into outside interests like a sport or hobby. (I don’t suggest the local casino) It will create more mystique and might spark her interest in what you have going on that has shifted your focus.

  • After much effort and many attempts on my part for 14 sexless years, and zero effort from my ice queen of a miserable, entitled, self righteousness wife. Even after paying her way through nursing school I still get nothing. She has never as so much as paid one single bill ever! So I cut her off from everything. Cancelled her phone, insurance, gave her the title to the car and took my plates off. She went ballistic…(totally different story). But anyway, I filed for divorce and she cried how she didn’t want one. That’s funny, you’ve sure acted like it for 14 years. Well she’s getting more than she ever put into the marriage, which is nothing- a car. The house is mine, not a penny for her. No child support agreement. 50% custody and she’s paying half the divorce fees. She agreed to this rather than felony charges and a restraining order which was option 2.

    Who the hell wants to live with and support someone who wants nothing to do with you unless they need money or something else. All I am to her is an ATM. Not this guy! NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not gay by any means, but I honestly don’t think I’d ever want to be with a woman again. 14 of what should have been the best years of my life just wasted with a miserable ice queen. How depressing…

  • What I get from this article is that’s it’s the man’s fault. Typical man hating rubbish…

  • Wow! This is horrible advice. Romance and do all this cramp for a self righteous ice queen that has zero duties or responsibility in marriage? You’re kidding right? I’m done with this marriage. I’ll never get married again and just as woman all use men for support, I’m just going to use them for sex. And I’m going to sample every last flavor there is! Love is not real, stop pretending it is. All marriages are a sham. Women want to be provided for and men want sex. That’s the only reason marriages happen. Stay single and support yourself, you’ll be MUCH happier.

  • Thanks for your thoughts, I believe a lot is testosterone makes men horny far more than estrogen makes woman horny. Also I feel women get comfortable in a marriage and focus on kids and everyday life. My wife is fine without sex, where as I love sex, as I produce testosterone. We have been together 12 years and when she forgets that it doesn’t take a while lot of time to satisfy me, it’s not a chore. It is called making love for a reason. Men remind your wives, it’s not a bad thing because they can forget. Big part is don’t cheat, that never solves the problem.

    • Men get (too) comfortable in a marriage just as well. Plus sometimes marriages run their course and are done sooner than others.
      By the way do you know that the female libido is also caused by testosterone? Women have estrogen and testosterone and men have both as well. The difference is the percentage in each.
      Are you speaking from experience about the cheating no-no?

  • 5 reason why not to marry

  • Wow!! All I hear are men who want sex and financially support icy women. I am a woman with three boys and a full time job. My husband works full time as well. I make more money than him, if we compare 40-40 hours. I have the kids insurance though, and he works 1 extra day per week…. so he “comes home” with more. I do all of the household duties, the homework and get kids ready, take to school and pick up every day. I get up 2 hours before him and get 5-6 hours of sleep every night. All of the bills are in my name, including this house. The only thing he does is cooking/or dishes 1-2 days per week.

    Since I have to get the kids, we don’t even get home until 6:30-7 pm every week night. Then I have to start dinner, do homework, bath the kids, brush teeth, get them to bed, get school stuff ready, packed and signed. After that, I still have to clean up and get my own shower etc. All while he watches tv. Plus, he’s often rude, doesn’t help, and half of the time, tells the kids to quiet down, so he can relax and… watch tv.

    By the time I think about laying down, it’s 12 am.

    On the weekends, I try to spend time with the kids but have to do all laundry, clean house, clean up the yard(mow lawn, rake leaves, pick up dog poo, straighten up garage, etc), grocery shop, and anything else that I can’t do during the week.

    When he is home he’s always got to relax…sleep nearly all day on his day off… and when up, doesn’t want to do things with me and the kids.

    Since I pay all of the bills, I have to rely on him for groceries, daycare and spending money. He complains about giving any money on top of the $280 per week daycare and my $100 allowance for food each week. So, he gets to spend all the rest of his money, while I pay the $2300+ in bills plus the insurance that comes out of my check…and end up with what?

    Then, he has the balls to ask me for sex, after he barely talks to me or the kids, is rude half of the time when he does speak to us, and He expects me to just jump up and down for joy at the thought of pleasing him at 12 am on a weeknight!!! Woo hoo…. I don’t think so. Keep in mind that we used to have sex 4-5 times per week, even after the kids.

    Now, sorry if you men think you are entitled to sex.. but if you are one of those who just thinks you can exist and have it given to you when you Feel Like It… it doesn’t work that way!! You can’t go around, living with someone, but not “being there” and expect someone to “drop their panties” because you are ready!

  • I understand the article and what you’re trying to convey. I think it’s the Serenity prayer that says “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.” Well I can not change how my wife feels but I can directly change what I do and how I treat her.

    I have been married for a little over 6 months and to be honest it’s been miserable. It actually started going downhill when we got engaged. Prior to our engagement we dated for about 2 years and didn’t fight or argue once! While we were engaged we started to disagreed but I just wrote it off because she was stressed about the wedding. During this time she almost completely eliminated all sexual contact. I still figured it was because she was stressing over the wedding so I tried not to make a big deal about it.

    Well it has been over three months since we’ve had sex. We had sex on our wedding night, our honeymoon and at a friends wedding and that’s it. We haven’t even had sex in our home since we’ve been husband and wife. Forget the sex, no passion, no romance, no anything. It’s like we’re roommates who found each other on Craigslist.

    I’ve been trying to change what I can change but I haven’t seen a change in her or her actions towards me. I’m terrified that this is going to be the end of our marriage. I truly never saw this coming and it’s really breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do.

    • I think the way you applied the Serenity prayer is right on.
      It sounds to me like your wife likely has some underlying issues that are affecting her ability to connect both physically and emotionally. I feel for you; it’s a tough situation. But that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. If your wife is able to talk about this, perhaps just understanding each other better may help. It’s also possible you will need some professional support to work through this.
      Without knowing the details with her, it’s hard to say what to expect. I’d encourage you to not let this go. Try talking. If that doesn’t help, get some professional help. It’s time to fight for your marriage!
      I’m happy to hear from you individually also: https://www.drcarolministries.com/contact-us/

    • That early in the marriage you two should be swooning love birds. She got you with a classic bait and switch. Seek that annulment like yesterday!

  • Been married for 30 years with teenage and college kids. Never been unfaithful For the past 12 years, I have always been the one to initiate any physical contact, even a hug, and of course sex. Two months ago, I decided to stop and see how my wife would respond. Answer: absolutely nothing from her. I will walk into the bedroom to get clothes or get changed, and she won’t even look away from the TV or her cell phone. I feel like a chump, like a sucker.

    I sacrifice so much for my family, making 95% of the income, doing most of the cooking and doing plenty around the house. I drove a 15 year old car so my kids don’t have to borrow for college. I do food shopping and cleaning. My wife is obviously totally unappreciative. And she has two close friends with young children who had husbands die early in their marriages and other friends who are divorced due to infidelity. I keep my self in good shape and have never cheated. My “reward”? Contempt.

    Last year was awful for me, the worst year of my life, due to unbelievable work stress plus the loss of both of my parents. My wife never asked me how I was doing, or even walked up and hugged me. It hurts. And the past two months of total apathy have brought me to the point where I can say that there are some days I hate her. How do you love someone who makes you feel like a chump??

    Should I reach out to her, should I be the “mature” one and reach out to her to break the ice? Very hard right now. I may speak with a pastor at our church for advice. But I am seriously considering throwing in the towel and looking elsewhere. Gray divorce can be a financial disaster, but peace of mind is worth it.

    • That’s tough my friend. My heart goes out to you. I would hope you try to get some help for your marriage. Seems as though there’s some deep pain – probably for both you and her. I pray God leads you to the right person to help. If your pastor has an interest in helping troubled marriages that may be a really good place to start.

      • What the hell has your supernatural superstition got to do with this? Are you really a relationship doctor or a witch doctor? Your answer is completely useless and offers nothing more than an echo of what others here have said. This poor guy is being screwed in every way except the way he needs and deserves, believe me, I am in the same situation, although his wife sound like a real bitch, at least mine is friendly.

        If I were in his situation I wouldn’t tell him to hope that the flying spaghetti monster is going to sort this out because it doesn’t exist and can’t. What he needs to do is sit down with his wife and show her what he wrote, but only after he has made the necessary arrangements to leave and secretly got all his affairs in order. She would get this one chance to respond positively, any BS answer and operation “Escape from Alcatraz” is a go. He has to take back control of his life and go find happiness, he deserves it, what he doesn’t deserve is your useless condescending crap about God.

    • As a fellow man, that was tough to read. I feel for you brother and will be praying for you. I would have left her sorry ass years ago.

    • I’m so sorry! I know how devistated you feel! Trust me. I know. Gods in the job of fixing that which is broken. My failings were not saying anything until it was an explosion of pain and that put us further back. You should talk to her and get into therapy together and figure out where the distance is coming from.

  • Some female friends have confided in me that men slacking on personal hygiene is a big turn off. Stuff like not brushing teeth very often or very well, showering daily, passing gas or using the toilet like you live in a frat house, etc.
    Also being more equal in taking care of the business of the house and the kid care goes a long way. If she works and is the primary kid manager and keeps the house up then you probably have more free time than you should. Think of it like this- if she is exhausted most nights and drops into bed all the while you are spending more time online or with your PlayStation it’s time for a re-evaluation. Mowing the lawn for 30 minutes once a week (summer-time only) is not a balance for cleaning, cooking, laundry, kid taxi, etc.

  • Ive been married 10 years and as babies came and time went on, my wife has lost interest in me. We joke all the time and seem to have a great relationship to the outside world and to us but there is no intimacy. Sex is a chore to her, a good hug is bad timed, kiss needs to be quick. There is just nothing there. Im a Christian and good looking to the outside world. Most hansome in HS. My point in mentioning that is bc women are always flirting. Im planning on hooking up with another women this weekend and not bc i want to but bc i give up. I have tried everything talks, fights, articles, the bible. She praises me as a father and husband but we can go weeks without kissing or sex if I let it happen. I give up. We can just be good roomates. I need someone to want to please me

  • i think my situation is like “it looks good on paper, but…..” (I’ve tried everything, but no more sex. she’s done with that )

    married 25 yrs. lots of ups & downs. she cheated on me years ago, i forgave her. sex going downhill since kids. now non existent. last time was over 1 year ago.
    i still love and lust my wife, but to her there is no sex allowed. she has said she doesn’t care for it anymore. no kissing. no touching. nothing. im a christian. trying real hard to stay faithful. i pray alot, but i think maybe this is my paul moment where God won’t take the thorn away. His grace is sufficient.
    sometimes i wish she would just leave me, so i can be free of responsibility to be with her.
    i feel i still have alot of love to give, but no woman to give it to.
    she was not always like this. early on she wanted to poke all the time. i still do. she is retired from sex. it’s tough. trying to stay faithful and obedient to God.
    thanks for reading.

    • My heart goes out to you. And my prayers are with you. Connecting with your wife again from where you are is not easy. Not knowing your story more, I don’t want to minimize what you’ve already done. But I suspect your wife needs to feel you are after her, not her body. If you want to connect “offline,” I respond to every message here: https://www.drcarolministries.com/contact-us/

  • These still point to things men do wrong. Sex in my marriage is completely controlled by my wife. She doesn’t want me to talk about, initiate or do any sexual anything. She wants control of where, when and how. I’ve spoiled her, been just over the top showing affection, massages, house work, cooking….and I’m not satisfied in the least sexually. By the time she comes around to wanting it, I’m so sensitive things don’t last long. Finally I boiled over, told her, after she initiated sex then told me I cant kiss her or touch too much in foreplay, that I’m over it, she can find someone else to do that with. I’m done being de-masculated, frustrated and completely at zero control of the situation. She said, whatever…I don’t want to talk about sex with you. So…..now I’m thinking I probably won’t make it through a divorce without cheating, I’m 37, in good shape and have a healthy libido. Sex is in the dark, rare, and very typical, this way for a few minutes, then that way for a few minutes then she’s done, I get through and sleep. Screw all that, and it’s not my fault, I have done all you have said and more over the course of our 10 year marriage and I just get more rules, very little touching and no kissing during foreplay being the newest…. I’m gonna find someone else. It takes 2 people, if it’s one sided and you’ve put your best foot forward, the frustration isn’t worth the fight.

  • A few months ago I asked my wife to stop reading romance because I felt like it took some outside force to get her in the mood and I was scared that she needed to think about the heart throbs to want me or enjoy me. We went through a rough four months and, though she says nothing has changed about her interest in me, her sex drive has decreased and her excuses not tone intimate has multiplied. She will “feel sick or have a headache” when we are finally alone and sex will simply not happen. The following morning she is right as rain. I just don’t know what to do. I feel very alone and broken that we are no longer intimate like we were when she was reading her books. We are deeply in love but I just don’t feel like I am enough to keep her happy or that I am undesired. Sex is a closeness I never want with anyone else and the one person I want to be intimate and close with doesn’t want me. I’m past talking with her because through all her reassurance and our “progress” nothing has changed and I don’t know how else to make her feel special outside of the bedroom. I have worked on me, been more confident in myself, listened to her, relieved her daily stresses, flirted, been blunt about my desires, asked her what she desires, started foreplay in the morning with subtleties, lifted her up in front of others, been the father to her children that she loves to see, and countless other things but nothing’s changed. I am left with pain and distance. Her words don’t line up with her actions. I feel very alone.

  • I saw my wife going through internet asking of ‘what to do if getting tired of her husband sex” what can I do before she completely get out of control?

    • Simeon, thanks for your comment.
      Please do not think of it as “control!” Think of it as winning your wife’s heart all over again. Seek to understand her, and make her WANT to come close to you. That will change everything.

  • Why is it that is up to the man to do all the romancing and warming up? We live in such a feminist world that you think women would take the initiative every now and then, instead wives feel righteous rejecting their husbands whenever they please.

  • This is a no-brainer. The wife does not want to have sex with you. You want to have sex. Have sex then. Problem solved. Men don’t need to love you to have sex with you. They just love sexual release. My wife grew horns after wedding. Said she would experiment oral little at a time, when she was a fiancee. Immediately after marriage her response was “ahh me I don’t do oral sex, you don’t have ears? “. She was feeling she had punk’d me. Then she started rationing sex. End result; I made a mental note to initiate sex, so no sex with her for 2 years and I bedded many many women ! So if you think you are the female champion, play games and see who persists and who doesn’t. I made it clear before the wedding I love oral sex. If she opts not to, I WILL GET ORAL SEX forever more. Women have this tendency towards, and I don’t know how to neutralize it, silly behavior in the sex department. Ladies will get into this forum crying of my bf this and my bf that…well lady, if you persist with that silliness, of 30 seconds in will/or will not have sex with a man, you are setting up yourself to get SCREWED big time. You won’t date that other guy because he is “too nice”. No lady ever answered this question straight; if Mr. X got her to remove her pants in less time than it takes to blink, how long do you think he will stick with you. Women are the manufacturers of female broken hearts; the silliness in the thought(I’m not calling anyone silly I am referencing that tendency to act as such). You ignore all the perfect long term matches and instead jump into the club broken heart. You want to be respected and treated as a woman; even as you invite the “womanizer and the player that YOU INVENTED”; and then you blame men. I will never understand that silliness in thought.