What To Do When Your Husband Wants Sex and You Don’t

What To Do When Your Husband Wants Sex and You Don’t

They were sitting across the table from me, both hurting badly. Married over twenty years, they really wanted to make things work. Both were practicing Christians, and felt it would be wrong to even consider divorce.

But things were not going well. Among other things, she was struggling with his desire and need for sex about twice a week. She had several other current challenges in her life, and giving sex to her husband seemed like asking something of her that she didn’t have to give. The disconnect in their sexual needs was leading to a lot of resentment between them. Neither wanted to cause the other pain, but they were hurting each other consistently and didn’t know how to stop.

How many marriages have been harmed by this kind of sexual disconnect? Does any of this sound familiar?

  • You avoid your husband as much as you can, hoping he won’t pursue you for sex
  • You give in to sex and end up resenting it, and him
  • You pick a fight with him, hoping that will keep him at bay for a while
  • You go to bed early or stay up late, trying to avoid being nearby at the most likely times for sex
  • You find every excuse to be sick, and you’ve got fifty variations on “I have a headache” to try
  • You fantasize about being single again: at least you wouldn’t feel guilty about saying No
  • You wonder if there’s something really wrong with you, but you’re too tired to find out

As I tell women regularly in my OB-Gyn practice, a woman’s sexual response is very complicated. She has a much harder time compartmentalizing sex than a man does. If other things in her life or relationships are not going well, it may be hard or even impossible to respond sexually.

I’m going to assume for a moment that you have a genuinely good man for a husband, not perfect, but one who truly wants to be good to you. You recognize that sex together as husband and wife is important to him, and you’d like to handle it better. Here are some things you can do if your husband wants sex and you generally don’t.

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How God Can Heal Your Lonely Heart

How God Can Heal Your Lonely Heart

You’re single, with no good prospects in sight. You’re lonely, and you want to do things God’s way. You long for someone to love, and to love you. So why isn’t God coming through with a spouse for you? Can He heal your lonely heart?

You’re married, but unhappy. Your spouse is more interested in work than in you. You’ve tried to talk to him/her, but the response is cold. Your heart is lonely. You know you shouldn’t look outside your marriage for love, but it’s sure tempting.

You’re somewhere in the world doing God’s work. You know this is where God sent you, but you’re mostly alone. Working for Him is meaningful, but your loneliness is wearing on you. Couldn’t God bring you someone to share the burden?

On Valentine’s Day there’s so much talk about relationships and love and romance. But I think it’s mostly a time for those who are lonely to lament their marital status (whatever it is) and dream of things they wish they could have.

You’ve heard people talk about God meeting your heart’s needs, and intellectually you believe He can. But you’re lonely. Right now you want a God with “skin on.” You want the hugs, the conversation, the closeness, maybe the sex. It’s hard to see how Someone “out there” can really do anything to meet the lonely needs in your soul.

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2 Questions to Help You Decide If Your Marriage Is Too Destructive To Save

2 Questions to Help You Decide If Your Marriage Is Too Destructive To Save

I’m going to try something dangerous. I’m going to write about something I have only observed at close hand, though I have not personally experienced it from the inside.

I want to share my heart about facing a difficult or destructive marriage. (And those two questions to ask come at the end of this post.)

My fear is that someone in a dangerously destructive marriage will hear something in my writing that encourages them to stay, or that someone who is unhappy will hear something in my writing that encourages them to go when the marriage might be saved.

But perhaps that struggle is exactly where these thoughts can be helpful. I offer them with humility and with hope that you find them encouraging. Some such marriages I have observed:

  • A family member’s marriage marred by repeated infidelity and violence.
  • A good friend whose husband abandoned her while she was pregnant. Twice.
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5 Ways To Be A Woman Nobody Can Live With

5 Ways To Be A Woman Nobody Can Live With

Unhappy WomanI know two women quite well who nobody can live with – at least not and stay sane. You probably know one or more also. I just hope you aren’t trying to live with one!

This kind of woman may be very accomplished in many ways. People sometimes envy her while looking at her from a distance, and marvel at how much she seems to be in charge. At times she may sound very spiritual and mature, but underneath the surface she is selfish and childish.

And the worst comes if you try to get too close. Husbands, employees, colleagues, children, close friends – anyone who spends a lot of time around her soon realizes her outward sparkle is only sparks from a fire that will burn you if you try to touch her too closely.

Such a woman tries to demand relationship from people around her, but inside she is truly lonely. Children may leave as soon as they are able. Her husband may leave if he doesn’t have the determination to stay married regardless of what happens. Employees will pretend loyalty, but will leave when they get the chance. Colleagues will only put up with her so long, and will look for an excuse to connect with someone else. Close friends won’t often stick around very long.

If you want to be a woman nobody can live with, here’s how:

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For the Christian Woman Struggling with Hormones

For the Christian Woman Struggling with Hormones

Nadine was almost in tears. She knew she was experiencing the hormonal changes of menopause, and had been coping pretty well for a few years. But recently she found herself unable to deal with even the normal daily frustrations of her job at a Christian school. She had previously been known as a skilled “peacemaker” when conflicts developed between parents, teachers, or students, but now she was more likely to become angry than be helpful.

Her marriage was starting to suffer as well. Her husband was trying to be understanding, but Nadine always seemed to be depressed, tired, angry, or distant. It had been many months since they had been able to have a relaxing evening together, and just talk.

Nadine was worried that something was not right between her and God. She had increased her prayer time, and had read some Bible study books about dealing with anger. She had spoken with her pastor’s wife who had prayed with her, but things didn’t seem to get any better. She felt frustrated and powerless, and struggled to not lose hope.

Nadine is a great example of how every part of your being impacts every other area. There are times you may not immediately understand what the root cause of your distress is; that may be why you’re reading this now. But menopause is one time when physical changes may lead to very real emotional and spiritual problems.

Some people in Christian circles seem to give the impression that if you are only spiritual enough, all other problems will take care of themselves.

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