Dr Carol Ministries
10 Things You Can (and Can’t) Expect In A Good Marriage

10 Things You Can (and Can’t) Expect In A Good Marriage

With all the destructive marriages out there, is it any wonder that some young people are having second thoughts about getting married at all? Is “happily ever after” ever possible? Is “happily married” just a cruel joke? What CAN you expect in a “good” marriage?

Many things go into the success (or lack thereof) of a marriage: communication, compatibility, expectations, outside support, commitment, and more.

I think it’s enlightening to hear couples who have been successfully married for several decades talk about things such as how they handle conflict, how they care for each other, and the willingness to persevere even if things become difficult. Without fail, such couples display a deep commitment and willingness to care for each other.

But what can you reasonably expect in a “happy” marriage? How do you know when you have one?

First, here are 7 things you CANNOT expect:

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7 Secrets To Improved Sexual Intimacy With Your Spouse

Intimate CoupleYou’re married, but there’s not much fireworks between you any longer. Things are more than a little dry and stale, or even downright prickly. And you can’t seem to get on the same page about sexual intimacy.

He wants to, she doesn’t. She would like to, but he’s not interested. Or neither of you have even bothered to try for quite a long time. But now you’ve finally decided it’s time to do something different if you want your marriage to ever be any better.

If your marriage is good, these secrets will make it richer. And if your marriage is less than good, these secrets will give you a great chance to make things much better.

  1. Listen to each other. It’s been said that the true organ of intimacy is the ear. How many affairs have started with a conversation! If the fires have grown a little cold, some quality conversation, where you concentrate on listening to each other, is the best way to fan the coals into flames. You can talk about sex if you want. Here’s a list of some Conversation Starters if you need some ideas.

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7 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Being Sexual

7 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Being Sexual

Man SmilingAs a woman, you probably know (or at least think you know) that most men want sex. A lot of it. And there’s a good chance that a large part of your relationship with men is defined by your perception of their sexual desire. Here are several things men wish women knew about being sexual.

Unless you have been blessed by growing up in a near-perfect environment when it comes to man-woman relationships, you probably relate to men in one of two ways:

  • Avoid any hint of sexuality. You see men as out to dominate, hurt, use, and abuse, and the only way to stay safe is to avoid getting close at all costs.

OR,

  • Use sex to get what you want. Because you see men as sexually driven, you use your own sexuality to manipulate them for your own benefit.

Isn’t that sad?! No, it’s more than sad. It’s absolutely tragic!

Think about it. What God intended as an intimate, exciting, comforting, and beautiful means of bonding husband and wife together has too often become a weapon, a means of manipulation, or a source of trauma and pain.

Yes, some men have allowed their sexual drives to become a means of control. And we could talk a lot more about the ways sexuality has been used in perverse and even evil ways – by both men AND women!

But what if you have, or want to have, a good man? Understanding some things about his nature can make your relationship so much more rich, satisfying, and successful.

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How to Bring God Into Your Marriage Bedroom

How to Bring God Into Your Marriage Bedroom

You bring God into your schedule, your checkbook, your media viewing habits, your parenting, your job. Or at least you try to. But how do you bring God into your marriage bedroom? And how do you do that?

Sex is a built-in need of human beings. Some use that truth to try and justify whatever sexual behavior they desire, or to aggressively force a spouse to engage in sex on demand. Others, especially those who have been harmed, sometimes brutally, by sexual acts or messages, think perhaps God made a mistake in creating us as sexual beings.

We get into trouble when sex and faith are kept apart. Spiritual leaders fall into adultery and scandal. Children who grew up hearing “Don’t do it” become sexually active the moment they are outside the boundaries of family or church. Marriages that may look good to the outside world are torn apart from the inside by pornography, domestic violence, disappointment, and more. Sex (or withholding it) becomes a weapon instead of the bond God intended it to be.

So what does it look like to bring faith and sex together? Specifically, how do you bring God into your marriage bedroom?

  1. Believe that God created sex. Physical intimacy between husband and wife was meant by God to be comforting, exhilarating, tender, exciting, bonding, and more. That foundation would then provide a healthy place to bring a child into: hence the connection between procreation and unity in godly sex. “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled.” (Heb. 13:4) Sadly, how far we have fallen!
  2. Focus more on your spouse’s needs than your own. Sex is more about giving than receiving. And it is at its best when both partners work first to satisfy each other. This is, of course, the opposite of using sex as a weapon. That includes stretching yourself to be intimate at a frequency (either less or more) that your spouse needs. “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Phil. 2:4)
  3. Get your sexual needs met ONLY from your spouse. Sex is a two-way street. That’s why it’s so risky – and exhilarating. But the only legitimate place to get those needs met is from your spouse. “Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Prov. 5:18)
  4. Respect each other’s physical needs and desires. The biggest turnoff to your spouse is likely a distant, demanding demeanor. No more condescending comments, avoiding your spouse, or using Scripture as a weapon to either demand or refuse sex. “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” (1 Cor. 7:3) The word “affection” here includes both emotional kindness and physical affection.
  5. Let God deal with all the other parts of your marriage. Fatigue, physical illness, stress, marital conflict, previous trauma – all these and more will impact your physical intimacy together. If God is a natural part of your life together in other ways, it will be easier to make Him part of your physical intimacy also. “But we all … are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. (2 Cor. 3:18)
  6. Extend grace to each other. People make mistakes. You make mistakes. God has extended grace to you: it’s important to extend grace to your spouse. That doesn’t mean continuing to be harmed if abuse is ongoing, but it does mean learning to forgive each other when you need to. “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Col 3:13, NIV)
  7. Have a 3-part conversation about sexual intimacy. Yes, that means you and your spouse pray about sex. Together, and individually. Loving well, including sexual love, can only fully happen when you invite and allow God’s love to flow through you. He will hold you together if you invite Him to. “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mat 19:6)

Does this guarantee complete sexual fulfillment every time you desire it with your spouse?

No. But I can assure you that the only way to give yourself a chance of that kind of fulfillment is to have God as a regular partner in your bedroom.

The ONLY other partner.

Here’s to a growing, fulfilling intimacy between you and your spouse – and God!

Your Turn: Are there any other factors important in bringing God into your marriage bedroom? Leave a comment below.

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What Does The Bible Say To A Man Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

What Does The Bible Say To A Man Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

Doesn’t the Bible say a man is head of his house, and has a right to sex with his wife?”

“During those long months when she was getting chemo other women started to look awfully appealing.”

“My wife and I are Christians, but I can’t seem to get her to agree to have sex with me when I need it.”

You can struggle greatly when your wife does not or cannot respond to you sexually. It’s a little ironic: here I am a woman, talking to men about sex. That’s because I’ve been asked about this specific question more than once, and this post is my answer. You may be struggling with this in your marriage and have told no one. I hope this helps you in some way.

But you also need to hear from other men. Check the bottom of this post: there are a few resources listed there that I believe you will find helpful.

I suspect some men asking this question may be looking for a Biblical excuse to get sex from somewhere outside of your marriage. Sorry: I’m not going to provide one. It isn’t there.

I suspect some other men asking this question may be looking for a Biblical reason to demand that their wife allow sexual intimacy whenever they wish her to. Again, sorry to disappoint you. I don’t find that in Scripture either.

But most men asking this question are truly struggling with the feelings of rejection, frustration, sexual tension, hopelessness, or even anger that come from being sexually unfulfilled in your marriage. You feel “slapped in the face” over and over again, and it reaches to the innermost part of your soul. Part of you wants to honor God, but you find your sexual drives difficult to manage when your wife is unwilling or unable to respond. Engaging in sexual intercourse is a big part of what makes you feel like a man, and right now you don’t feel much like a man at all.

What the Bible Says

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