What I Wish Christian Parents Would Teach Kids About Sex

What I Wish Christian Parents Would Teach Kids About Sex

At 15 years old she was scared. Her mother sat there silent. I confirmed that Angela (not her real name) was pregnant, and outlined what medical care during her pregnancy would look like. Her mother had raised Angela in church, and she certainly didn’t expect to ever be sitting in my office with her pregnant daughter. I don’t know exactly what Angela had been taught about sex, but it was clear one message had been “Don’t have sex before marriage.” She felt somewhat ashamed, and her mother was angry.

As an OB-Gyn physician I see many teens and young women who have become sexually active by default. Many conservative Christian churches, if they talk about it at all, have shouted “Don’t do it!” But that has generally been no match for the sexual cultural revolution. Popular media has equated sexuality with success, growing up, individuality, and feeling good. Divorce, domestic violence, and the popular media have made marriage look less desirable than ever. Many young women don’t see any viable alternative.

I can understand why Christian parents are reluctant to teach kids about sex. Many may feel embarrassed or guilty about their own sexual past or the state of their marriage or lack thereof. They may feel powerless to effectively counteract the cultural messages their kids are getting about sex, or feel those messages aren’t really that bad. Or they may be surprised at how early and how pervasively their kids are exposed to those messages. Many may be confused themselves about what messages they want their kids to internalize about sex.

Most studies investigating religion, spirituality, and sexuality conclude that increased involvement in religious activities decreases risky sexual behavior. But what is “risky?” A 2014 survey of Christian adults showed that 61% said they would have sex before marriage. And the problem of absent fathers even among Christians makes the likelihood of early sexuality even greater.

Guilt, fear, and shame are not the answer. Some young women find it difficult to overcome the negative messages and go from “No” before marriage to “Yes” in one given day. Guilt, fear, and shame only make it harder for kids and teens to tell their parents if they are struggling with sexual matters. And a majority of adolescents (93% of boys and 62% of girls in one study) have been exposed to online pornography, and they need a context in which to address what they see.

Messages to Give Kids About Sex

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6 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

6 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

If you’re like many men you want sex more than your wife does. If she says NO your natural reaction is to take it personally. The message you hear is, “She doesn’t respect me enough to be my sexual partner when I need her to be. She’s interested in just about anything else rather than meeting my needs. If she really cared about all I do for her she’d say Yes.”

And truthfully you want her to do more than say Yes. You want her to want you, to want sex, to respond enthusiastically. You may even want her to ask you for sex.

I’ll have plenty to say to wives when I write to them about this topic. But for now, I’m giving you an inside picture of what may be going on in your wife’s mind when she says No. There are many possible reasons your wife doesn’t want sex, and many of them have nothing to do with you. And the good news is that by understanding some of these factors you may be able to help her respond to you more effectively.

Some women’s natural sex drive is quite strong, and that may overcome these barriers to intimacy in marriage without much trouble. For other women these reasons may loom large and present enormous challenges for her. A woman’s sexual response is more affected by other areas of her life than yours probably is. Here are some possible reasons your wife doesn’t want sex:

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5 Ways to Help Your Husband With His Sexual Integrity

5 Ways to Help Your Husband With His Sexual Integrity

Happy CoupleI’m assuming your husband wants to do the right thing with his sexuality. And you want to do the right thing also. As a wife you can either help your husband with his sexual integrity a great deal, or you can make his struggle much more difficult.

So how can you be a help to him? Do you constantly check his computer for sexually explicit material? Do you monitor his TV viewing? Do you call him on every glance he makes toward another female?

If your husband makes you feel secure by the way he directs his sexual desires only to you, be grateful. There are men who have learned to harness their sexual energy in a healthy, godly, and marriage-affirming way, and I hope he’s one of them.

But if your husband struggles with pornography, crude sexual jokes meant to demean you, uses threats of infidelity to control you, or has had an emotional or physical affair, you know how painful and marriage-destroying it can be. Please know that if he struggles in this way it has nothing to do with you. Really. It doesn’t! He’s completely responsible for managing his own heart.

But you do have a role to play. God created you to be a help to your husband in many ways. As a woman you have a measure of insight, intuition, and wisdom that your husband probably desperately needs. What matters is how you offer those gifts.

How you can help him

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The Emotional Weight of Having an STD

The Emotional Weight of Having an STD

Sad Woman Crying

As an OB-Gyn physician one of the most frequent difficult discussions I have with women is about STDs – sexually transmitted diseases. You can find lots of information about STDs from many sources – your doctor, school sex education, medical or health websites, etc. You can see pictures of the physical effects, read about the symptoms, and find out what treatments are available. But almost nobody talks about the emotional weight of having an STD.

Within just the last few weeks I’ve heard from women carrying an enormous load:

  • The young wife who thought she had escaped getting the herpes her husband has, but just tested positive and can’t get rid of the “dirty” feeling
  • The young mother wondering if there will ever be an end to the procedures she will need for the HPV (human papilloma virus) on her cervix
  • The recent divorcee whose ex-husband is telling everyone about the herpes she developed prior to their marriage decades ago
  • The recently retired wife still holding the hurt of a chlamydia infection years ago, knowing SHE had never gone outside her marriage for sex
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7 Ingredients to Rebuilding Trust Between You and Your Spouse

7 Ingredients to Rebuilding Trust Between You and Your Spouse

A long-haul truck driver called our radio program. He worried about his wife every time he left home. It wasn’t that she couldn’t take care of herself, but that she might be taking care of herself too well. He wasn’t certain she was cheating on him, but it concerned him. He didn’t trust her.

Seven years into their marriage Jasmine’s heart nearly stopped when Clint said one night, “I need to talk to you.” Visions of terrible things went through her mind. The truth wasn’t as bad as she at first feared, but it was bad enough to shatter her illusion of a perfect marriage. Clint had been gambling away their bank account over the last six months and they were now broke. How could she ever trust him again?

Trust is the lubricant that makes a marriage run smoothly. It’s precious, relatively fragile, and it can be broken in a moment. The most vulnerable areas where trust can be broken are money, addiction, and sex. The hiding becomes as bad or worse than the actual acts. Feelings of shame on one side and betrayal on the other signal perhaps the biggest challenges any married couple can face.

I’m not here to draw a line on what constitutes a big enough breach of trust to end a marriage over. That’s another topic. Here I want to outline the necessary ingredients that might allow a marriage to recover once trust has been broken regardless of how small or large the specific act(s) was that broke that trust.

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