Tag : recovery

Sleeping With the Elephants: the BIG Marriage Problems

• Carol Tanksley
• July 18, 2016
• marriage, recovery, relationships, sexuality

It’s one thing to have an “elephant in the room” – the BIG problem that nobody wants to talk about or deal with. But what about when that room is your bedroom? In marriage the elephants can become so big that there’s no space in your bed for either of you. The time comes when you can’t ignore them, work around them, or co-exist with them.

And you certainly can’t sleep with them. And by “sleep” I mean both refreshing rest in what is supposed to be the safest space – physically and emotionally – in your home, and the intimacy – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – that God designed to be between husbands and wives.

I’ve heard from a number of individuals and couples recently who are trying to sleep with elephants – dealing with really BIG marriage problems. And it’s just not working. Some of those elephants include:

• Infidelity of one or both partners recently or many years ago
• Constant fights (or at least disagreements) over the when and how of sexual intimacy
• One spouse who consistently drinks too much
• Pornography stealing marital intimacy
• Sexual abuse in the past making intimacy traumatic or impossible

Sometimes problems such as infertility, a rebellious child, serious financial reversals, chronic physical or mental illness, or others can also become elephants.

The thing about elephants is that they usually continue to grow. Elephants just don’t leave on their own. Time doesn’t make them go away. Until and unless the elephants are dealt with directly they will stick around sleeping in your bed and robbing your peace, regardless of how many years have gone by since they entered.

Perhaps you’re tired of trying to sleep with the elephants, and you know that if things don’t change you, your spouse, or your marriage is about to self-destruct. You may have tried to kick the elephants out of your bedroom in the past and feel as though you’ve failed miserably. You may have tried to ignore them and know you can’t do that any longer. You may wonder if the elephants are there to stay and you’re the one who will have to leave.

The circumstances are often complicated and painful. Solutions are challenging and often take time. But here are a few important keys to kicking the elephants out of your bedroom and regaining the relationship you signed up for.