How to Help Your Spouse Feel Secure

How to Help Your Spouse Feel Secure

Security is about much more than money. Of course it’s nice to have a steady income, safe home, and adequate savings. Insurance salespersons highlight how uncertain the future is in order to sell their products, but in a marriage that kind of security doesn’t go very far. The financial ups and downs that are more likely than ever in today’s economy need not keep you from helping your spouse feel secure.

Your husband or wife probably places a different value on financial security than you do. That’s normal. But remember that money, houses, cars, jobs, and material things can be replaced much easier than most things of true value. Physical and emotional wellbeing, personal relationships, and spiritual vitality can be strong regardless of your financial circumstances.

If your spouse is feeling insecure it’s almost certainly about something deeper than money. Money issues only magnify what’s already going on in one’s own heart and in a relationship. If you want your spouse to feel secure, look at those deeper issues. Throwing money at the problem won’t fix it.

Here are some ways that are likely to help your spouse feel secure regardless of how big or small your bank account is.

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6 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

6 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

If you’re like many men you want sex more than your wife does. If she says NO your natural reaction is to take it personally. The message you hear is, “She doesn’t respect me enough to be my sexual partner when I need her to be. She’s interested in just about anything else rather than meeting my needs. If she really cared about all I do for her she’d say Yes.”

And truthfully you want her to do more than say Yes. You want her to want you, to want sex, to respond enthusiastically. You may even want her to ask you for sex.

I’ll have plenty to say to wives when I write to them about this topic. But for now, I’m giving you an inside picture of what may be going on in your wife’s mind when she says No. There are many possible reasons your wife doesn’t want sex, and many of them have nothing to do with you. And the good news is that by understanding some of these factors you may be able to help her respond to you more effectively.

Some women’s natural sex drive is quite strong, and that may overcome these barriers to intimacy in marriage without much trouble. For other women these reasons may loom large and present enormous challenges for her. A woman’s sexual response is more affected by other areas of her life than yours probably is. Here are some possible reasons your wife doesn’t want sex:

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3 Keys to Deal With Stress Better

3 Keys to Deal With Stress Better

Deal With StressThe research on stress has continued to expand exponentially in the years since Hans Selye first described what he called the General Adaptation Syndrome. We now know a great deal about how the human body and mind respond to stress. Scientists spend their entire careers researching our response to stress, and what makes some people more resilient than others. And that research can provide some exciting insights that can help you deal with stress in a much smarter way.

Not all stress is bad. Athletes or musicians use the stress of competition to raise their level of performance to its absolute peak. Business people or would-be politicians use the stress of deadlines to accomplish things many of the rest of us look at with amazement. These people have learned how to lean into stress. They choose stress and make it work to their advantage.

Your body and mind can develop an amazing ability to handle much more stress than you ever imagined IF … And that IF is the stuff that champions are made of. Here’s that secret sauce in three parts.

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Intimacy Is Worth the Risk

Intimacy Is Worth the Risk

Holding HandsGet too close and you’re likely to get hurt. No wonder many people are afraid to take the risk. Most of us have been hurt in some way (or many ways) and being vulnerable again feels too dangerous. Whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, it can make you wonder if intimacy is worth the risk involved.

You do risk getting hurt when you get close. Think of the people you’ve trusted to some degree during your lifetime: parents, siblings, childhood friends, teachers, romantic friends, business partners, church associates, spouses. Can you think of any of them who haven’t caused you pain in some way? You’re fortunate indeed if you have a parent who never said cutting words to you, a sibling who never tormented or bullied you, a teacher who never disappointed you, a business partner who was always trustworthy, or a spouse who never let you down. The closer you come to someone, the more likely it is that you will experience pain.

Physical pain is there too. As an OB-Gyn physician I work with a large number of women who experience physical pain

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If You Feel As Though God Has Left You

If You Feel As Though God Has Left You

Her pain seeped out through the words in her message: “Have you ever felt like you were totally left by God, like He suddenly just cut you off for no reason? What if you couldn’t feel love or encouragement from Him even after seeking/wanting it so long? Did you ever get upset that way? Was there ever really an answer or revelation for that? Mostly I feel hurt and confusion. Why? . . . I hope I didn’t go too far, or go too long from God being upset. I hope I don’t go to hell.”

Yes, Janice (not her real name), I’ve felt cut off from God. I’ve felt hurt and confused and upset. I’ve wondered why God didn’t make Himself known to me when I kept asking and asking and asking. I’ve worried that there was something terribly wrong with me that no one could help me with, not even God. I’ve felt as though the confusion would last forever, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Thankfully it’s been many years since my own dark experience. I walked that journey for four years. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But as a result, I can weep with those who weep. I’ve been there. You often hear people say “Just do the next right thing.” But if you’re like me in that darkness you have no clue what that next right thing is. And forget about holding on to hope for the future; you don’t even have enough light to take one more step.

If I could talk to the “me” sitting in the corner of my room, feeling like a puddle on the floor, here’s what I would say. And perhaps this will be helpful for you as well:

  1. Don’t quit. Sometimes the best you can do is to just keep on breathing. But that’s enough. As long as you’re breathing you’re still alive. And as long as you’re alive God can do something for you. If you can’t believe that for yourself, hold on to my belief in that for you. It’s not over yet.
  2. Choose the people you spend time with. When you’re in pain you’re especially sensitive to the words and actions of others. Choose to spend time around people who are faith-filled, encouraging, and who support and lift you up. Save difficult relationships for later.
  3. Cultivate quiet. God doesn’t often add His voice to a multitude of confusing noises in your head. If you work on one thing, work on putting the noise out of your mind. Healing music, nature, sleep – look for any way possible to experience calmness and quiet.
  4. Keep on showing up. You never know what God will use to break through your confusion and pain: a church service, a Bible verse, a Christian book, a TV program, a godly counselor, a special Christian event, or even a website such as this one. Don’t search frantically, but just keep showing up.
  5. Continue to pray. Yes, I know you’ve prayed, in tears, perhaps hundreds, thousands, or millions of times. Don’t stop praying. God’s shoulders are big enough to handle all the junk you throw at Him. It’s OK to cry, yell, plead, and fall apart in prayer. Then be quiet and listen.

I could wax eloquent with a lot of theological talk to prove to you that God is still there, and that He cares about you. But that may not mean much to you right now. It’s your heart that needs healing more than your head. I can offer you a hand of love and hope, and be there with you in the darkness. But in the end it’s God Himself who will heal you.

You may never have an intellectually satisfying answer to all of your questions. But I can promise you that He Himself will become the Answer. One day you’ll hear His voice. If you care enough to still be reading this, I can guarantee that He has not left you. He knows what it will take for you to hear Him, and He will make Himself known to you.

Just don’t quit. Please don’t quit! Light exists, and it is good. Very good! And you can find it.

No, God hasn’t left you! Just hold on! He’ll find you.

Your Turn: When things look dark and confusing, where do you find quietness? What helps calm your mind? Leave your comment below.

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