Communication between you and your spouse can get stale if you don’t have a plan. You coordinate schedules, talk about the kids, or have “vigorous fellowship” over money. Date nights are “dinner and a movie,” if they happen at all. How long has it been since you had some deeper conversations? Have you done a marriage vision retreat? Addressing these questions will do much to improve your intimacy.
If your marriage were to continue as it is right now for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, would you be pleased? If you said yes, would your spouse agree? Drifting doesn’t lead to a good outcome – in life or in marriage. Being intentional about where you’re headed will exponentially increase the possibility of getting there.
And for those of you who care about your sex life, I can guarantee that addressing these deeper heart matters with your spouse will open the door to more intimacy than you might have ever experienced before. These kinds of conversations bring your hearts closer together, and when that happens bodies come together too.
This is not a checklist to take care of as you’re falling into bed exhausted, or while one of you is rushing to get ready for work. And it’s not for every date night. These are questions to address during planned and intentional times of reflection together, ideally on a yearly marriage vision getaway – a day or a weekend when you focus on each other and the future.
So here are some discussion questions to address that will actually improve your intimacy. Listen! Be vulnerable. Take time. You’ll be glad you did.
How are You Feeling About Our Marriage? What’s it Like to be Married to Me?
This is kind of a “state of the union” question. And you both need to hear each other here. It’s possible you will each give your marriage very different grades. If you can’t deeply hear each other you won’t be able to move forward. Listen to your spouse. Don’t get defensive. This is not a time to blame each other; it’s a time to hear each other’s perspective and truly seek to understand.
How Could I Help You Feel More Safe and Cared For?
This is a vulnerable question to ask, and sometimes vulnerable to answer. Ideally you are keeping the ground between you swept clean on a regular basis. But this is a chance to bring “stuff” into the light and deal with it. Again, you both need to ask this, and truly listen to your spouse’s answer. This is not about beating up on each other; it’s about seeking deeper union. You’re looking for what you can give rather than what you’re trying to get.
What Are You Hearing From God In This Season? How is He Stretching You?
Your marriage won’t become what God intended without intentionally and often listening to His voice. You will come closer to each other as you each seek to come closer to God. Sharing about your spiritual journeys with each other helps validate how God is working in your lives, and it’s also a big part of intimacy. And it should lead to a discussion about what He is inviting you as a couple to grow into together also.
What Keeps You Awake at Night? How can I Help with That?
This might be directly marriage-related, but it might be entirely different. Your spouse might be worried about physical health issues, job-related concerns, financial pressures, extended family problems, some big life transition, etc. When you deeply understand what’s occupying the worry areas in your spouse’s mind you can more effectively come alongside and support them. And that also increases intimacy.
When you think about your life 5 years from now, what do you see?
One’s view of the future says a whole lot about them. It demonstrates much about their fears, dreams, desires, and relationship with God. It’s one of the most helpful ways to truly understand each other. There may be things about your spouse’s vision of the future that may concern you. Don’t try to fix them! But seeing this will help you understand, connect, and discern more who God would have you be to your spouse in this season.
What Kind of Marriage do We Want 5 years from now? In 10 years?
Again, drifting doesn’t get you where you want to go. You need to articulate the destination you desire to reach. This is something to deeply listen to each other about, and then together develop a shared vision for where you’re heading as a couple. That vision might seem invigorating, or it might seem overwhelming. The point is to make it as concrete as possible, and then begin taking one small step at a time in that direction.
What Steps Should We Take NOW in order to Have that Kind of Marriage?
It might be some very practical things, like making some changes in how you handle money, how you parent, or changes in your physical lifestyle. It might be more marriage-focused, such as getting some help for conflicts you face, or working on your communication or sex life together. Or it might be being intentional about how you together offer yourselves to others, or invest more deeply in your spiritual life together.
Don’t let these questions seem overwhelming; just get started. Building a lasting healthy marriage is an act of creativity. God has given you what you need. Addressing these questions will improve your intimacy, and help you get where you – and God – want you to go.
Your Turn: Have you and your spouse discussed a vision for your marriage? What’s stopping you? When will you do so? Leave a comment below.
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