Overcoming the Fear of Dealing with Your Sexual Stuff

There are good reasons for you to hold back. Fear is a big part of why you keep hiding. Getting under the surface and dealing with your sexual stuff is scary. But the transformation comes when you choose the courage to deal with your sexual stuff even if you’re afraid.

For the thousands of men and women I’ve communicated with about these issues, fear is an emotion that keeps coming up over and over again. And you don’t have to be particularly brilliant to understand why. The issue of sex and sexuality cuts closer to the core of who you are more than almost any other issue, and your past experiences around this part of you give you good reason to believe you could be hurt again.

You didn’t wake up one day and decide to have issues around sex and sexuality. You came to be where you are through a whole host of things that happened to you and things you did to yourself. The ways you learned about sex, the experiences you had, the choices you made or didn’t make – it all matters.

The fear is understandable. But now, what are you going to do about it?

What Are You Afraid Of?

That’s a good question. When faced with the invitation to deal with the stuff under the surface in your own soul around sex/sexuality, what makes you hold back?

Fear of your own self is a fair bet. There may already be messages running through your head; “You asked for it. It’s your own fault.” Or, “You knew better. How could you do that?” OR, “If I look at this stuff, it means I’m a bad person.” It seems like pulling back the covering over your “stuff” and looking at it would only make you feel worse about yourself. You’re not sure you can face that.

Afraid of what others might think? That’s also a fair bet. If “they” knew what happened to you, or what you did, or what was really going on with you now, they’d run away, shut you out, or heap more shame on you. You’ve likely been hurt sexually in the past, so why would you want to open yourself up in this area again? Perhaps you’ve even tried, sort of, to open up to someone about your sexual stuff, and been wounded even more in the process. If that’s the case, I’m so sorry! But for you, it seems easier to just not deal with it.

The church has sadly done a very poor job, for the most part, of addressing the matters of the heart around sex/sexuality. You may have internalized confusing or condemning messages, such that even thinking about or trying to deal with this “dirty” subject means you’re somehow somewhat dirty.

And then what about God? If you could imagine what God might want to say to you, you might imagine something like, “How pitiful you are. Get your act together, and then maybe we’ll talk.” You haven’t lived up to the Do’s and Don’ts as you’re “supposed” to. So how could you possibly be connected to a holy God?

And so you keep hiding, truly afraid of dealing with your sexual issues.

Jesus and Sex

Yes, Jesus dealt with sexual issues. People alive on the earth when Jesus was physically here had big sexual issues, and Jesus dealt with them with as much grace and truth as He dealt with any other issues.

Consider the woman Jesus met at the well in Samaria (John 4). He offers her living water, and she is intrigued. “Give me this water!” Jesus replies, “Go call your husband.”

“I have no husband.”

“You’re right,” says Jesus. “You’ve had five husbands, and the one you’re with now is not your husband.”

And moments later the woman runs back into the town calling to everyone she meets, “Come meet the Man who told me everything I ever did!”

The woman did not experience a fast-forward “life-flashed-before-my-eyes” kind of moment. Jesus instead put His finger on the core of what she was dealing with – not with condemnation, but with honesty and compassion. Jesus was saying to her, “I see you! I understand how you came to this point. Come, let’s deal with this.”

And that’s what He’s saying to you too.

Getting Past the Fear

Perhaps a better way of saying it is, doing it even if you’re afraid. Looking at your sexual story, addressing the matters in your heart, owning what happened to you and what you did in response – all of it.

And I can promise you that doing that in the presence of Jesus brings more healing and transformation than you can possibly imagine. This may well mean meeting a very different Jesus than the one you’ve imagined. The true Jesus knows and understands you, sees you, feels what you feel. And He is inviting you to open that part of your soul and deal with your stuff with Him.

That’s what you experience when you join the Sexpectations online course. In this course you’ll hear from other men and women who dealt with their sexual stuff even though it was scary, and found the true transformation Jesus offers.

In this course no one will ask you embarrassing questions. Your story is sacred, and you deserve to be treated with honor and respect.

So come join me in the Sexpectations online course – even though it seems scary. Find the transformation Jesus has available. It’s worth it.



Your Turn: What are you afraid of, if you deal with your sexual stuff? Can you make the choice to address these matters in your heart even if you’re afraid? Leave a comment below.

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  • Dealing with your sexual stuff may seem scary. You may be afraid of your own self, of others, or even of God. But getting past the fear is worth it. That’s when transformation comes.   Tweet that.