You bring God into your schedule, your checkbook, your media viewing habits, your parenting, your job. Or at least you try to. But how do you bring God into your marriage bedroom? And how do you do that?
Sex is a built-in need of human beings. Some use that truth to try and justify whatever sexual behavior they desire, or to aggressively force a spouse to engage in sex on demand. Others, especially those who have been harmed, sometimes brutally, by sexual acts or messages, think perhaps God made a mistake in creating us as sexual beings.
We get into trouble when sex and faith are kept apart. Spiritual leaders fall into adultery and scandal. Children who grew up hearing “Don’t do it” become sexually active the moment they are outside the boundaries of family or church. Marriages that may look good to the outside world are torn apart from the inside by pornography, domestic violence, disappointment, and more. Sex (or withholding it) becomes a weapon instead of the bond God intended it to be.
So what does it look like to bring faith and sex together? Specifically, how do you bring God into your marriage bedroom?
- Believe that God created sex. Physical intimacy between husband and wife was meant by God to be comforting, exhilarating, tender, exciting, bonding, and more. That foundation would then provide a healthy place to bring a child into: hence the connection between procreation and unity in godly sex. “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled.” (Heb. 13:4) Sadly, how far we have fallen!
- Focus more on your spouse’s needs than your own. Sex is more about giving than receiving. And it is at its best when both partners work first to satisfy each other. This is, of course, the opposite of using sex as a weapon. That includes stretching yourself to be intimate at a frequency (either less or more) that your spouse needs. “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Phil. 2:4)
- Get your sexual needs met ONLY from your spouse. Sex is a two-way street. That’s why it’s so risky – and exhilarating. But the only legitimate place to get those needs met is from your spouse. “Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Prov. 5:18)
- Respect each other’s physical needs and desires. The biggest turnoff to your spouse is likely a distant, demanding demeanor. No more condescending comments, avoiding your spouse, or using Scripture as a weapon to either demand or refuse sex. “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” (1 Cor. 7:3) The word “affection” here includes both emotional kindness and physical affection.
- Let God deal with all the other parts of your marriage. Fatigue, physical illness, stress, marital conflict, previous trauma – all these and more will impact your physical intimacy together. If God is a natural part of your life together in other ways, it will be easier to make Him part of your physical intimacy also. “But we all … are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. (2 Cor. 3:18)
- Extend grace to each other. People make mistakes. You make mistakes. God has extended grace to you: it’s important to extend grace to your spouse. That doesn’t mean continuing to be harmed if abuse is ongoing, but it does mean learning to forgive each other when you need to. “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Col 3:13, NIV)
- Have a 3-part conversation about sexual intimacy. Yes, that means you and your spouse pray about sex. Together, and individually. Loving well, including sexual love, can only fully happen when you invite and allow God’s love to flow through you. He will hold you together if you invite Him to. “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mat 19:6)
Does this guarantee complete sexual fulfillment every time you desire it with your spouse?
No. But I can assure you that the only way to give yourself a chance of that kind of fulfillment is to have God as a regular partner in your bedroom.
The ONLY other partner.
Here’s to a growing, fulfilling intimacy between you and your spouse – and God!
Your Turn: Are there any other factors important in bringing God into your marriage bedroom? Leave a comment below.
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Does a Conversation about Sex feel Difficult?
Learning to communication–about sex and about other things–is something most couples want more help with.
Our Guide to Healthy Communication in Marriage will help you reset the communication between you even if it’s completely broken down. You can learn to do this better!