As a woman, you probably know (or at least think you know) that most men want sex. A lot of it. And there’s a good chance that a large part of your relationship with men is defined by your perception of their sexual desire. Here are several things men wish women knew about being sexual.
Unless you have been blessed by growing up in a near-perfect environment when it comes to man-woman relationships, you probably relate to men in one of two ways:
- Avoid any hint of sexuality. You see men as out to dominate, hurt, use, and abuse, and the only way to stay safe is to avoid getting close at all costs.
OR,
- Use sex to get what you want. Because you see men as sexually driven, you use your own sexuality to manipulate them for your own benefit.
Isn’t that sad?! No, it’s more than sad. It’s absolutely tragic!
Think about it. What God intended as an intimate, exciting, comforting, and beautiful means of bonding husband and wife together has too often become a weapon, a means of manipulation, or a source of trauma and pain.
Yes, some men have allowed their sexual drives to become a means of control. And we could talk a lot more about the ways sexuality has been used in perverse and even evil ways – by both men AND women!
But what if you have, or want to have, a good man? Understanding some things about his nature can make your relationship so much more rich, satisfying, and successful.
- God invented sex. He made your good man to have sexual needs and desires. Being truly committed to God does not change that aspect of your man’s makeup. God’s goal for your man is NOT to make his sexuality go away. When he expresses himself sexually with you he is expressing part of the image of God that he was created with.
- Your man expresses his maleness primarily through sex. Barbara Raney has described how a man’s sexual performance with his wife is such an inseparable part of who he is as a man. No other activity has quite the same impact on how he sees himself. It’s not the only thing, but it has a unique importance to him.
- Your man is visually stimulated. You probably know this, and either love this fact or hate it. You can abuse your knowledge of this power you have over men, or you can use it wisely as one more bond between you and your husband. Your man is 100% responsible for his responses and actions, but you can control the traffic light between you.
- Men are sexually vulnerable too! I have seen a significant number of couples in my medical practice where the husband struggles sexually, sometimes related to medical problems, past emotional trauma, or other issues. How you respond to any limitations or challenges he has sexually will have an enormous impact on your relationship.
- Your man needs your help. OK, he may want you to know this. But while he is 100% responsible for his behavior, you can be invaluable in helping him maintain his sexual integrity. If he strays is it NOT your fault! But if you make your heart a completely safe place for him, you can be supportive of God’s work in his heart. Ask him how you can help him in the places he is vulnerable.
- Physical intimacy can open his heart emotionally. While a woman may want emotional closeness before being physically intimate, many men are wired in the other direction. Whenever you are able to choose to be physically intimate with your husband, it may help him open the other parts of his heart to you as well.
- Your man needs unconditional love and acceptance – FIRST. The one way men and women are absolutely the same is their primary need for unconditional love and acceptance. Find the place in your man’s heart where he is still a little boy, the places he struggles, and where he feels inadequate. Embrace those parts of him as well as the strong parts, and your relationship will be stronger. (Check out 5 Love Needs of Men and Women by Gary and Barb Rosberg)
I wish for you a growing, satisfying, godly relationship with a strong, tender, and godly man. Understanding these aspects of your man’s nature will help you support him in being who God built him to be.
And if you’re not in that kind of relationship now, or yet, don’t give up!
The two best pieces of advice I received before getting married: 1. Study your man, and 2. Stay on your knees. You can do the same.
Your Turn: Has anything surprised you about your man’s sexual makeup? How has it impacted your relationship? Leave a comment below.
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