You’re married, but there’s not much fireworks between you any longer. Things are more than a little dry and stale, or even downright prickly. And you can’t seem to get on the same page about sexual intimacy.
He wants to, she doesn’t. She would like to, but he’s not interested. Or neither of you have even bothered to try for quite a long time. But now you’ve finally decided it’s time to do something different if you want your marriage to ever be any better.
If your marriage is good, these secrets will make it richer. And if your marriage is less than good, these secrets will give you a great chance to make things much better.
- Listen to each other. It’s been said that the true organ of intimacy is the ear. How many affairs have started with a conversation! If the fires have grown a little cold, some quality conversation, where you concentrate on listening to each other, is the best way to fan the coals into flames. You can talk about sex if you want. Here’s a list of some Conversation Starters if you need some ideas.
- Get a medical evaluation. Menopausal hormonal changes for women, and prostate problems or low testosterone (Low T) for men, are only a few of the biological issues that could be impacting your physical intimacy. At least get things checked out: wouldn’t it be nice if something medical COULD help your relationship in this way?
- Go to bed together. If you have different sleep needs/habits, or different work schedules, this can be a challenge. But “pillow talk” is one of the most important parts of the day – and of your relationship. It’s worth some extraordinary effort to go to bed at the same time most nights, even if one of you often has to get up a short time later.
- Care for each other physically. Here I’m talking about the little things that just help your spouse feel good: a home-cooked meal, a backrub, clean sheets, a small desert, a nice long kiss, a shower. Notice how your spouse is feeling – tired, in pain, anxious. It may surprise you how paying attention to their physical wellbeing in these ways may expand into caring more about intimacy.
- Help each other live healthy. Ever notice how much less interested in sex you may be if your GI system is complaining, you’re out of energy, or you simply “don’t feel good?” Losing weight if you need to, eating a healthy diet, appropriate exercise, and some healthy downtime together will help you feel better in every way, and increase the physical and mental energy available for intimacy.
- Be generous with affection, gratitude, and forgiveness. Saying “I love you,” greeting each other with a hug and a kiss, saying “Thank you,” extending grace to each other – these help with anticipation, and remove roadblocks to sexual intimacy. (I’m not talking about abuse, addiction, or affairs here: that kind of trouble demands some serious ICU-level marriage help.)
- Pray together. Prayer between husband and wife is a very emotionally vulnerable and intimate experience. Wives – don’t try to one-up your husband by sounding over-spiritual. Husbands – take the risk and pray out loud for and with your wife. Prayer helps to bring God into your relationship as the glue to hold you together, and brings you closer to each other in the process.
Even if the frequency or physical satisfaction level of your sexual intimacy does not dramatically improve, these secrets are certain to make your marriage happier.
But beware: the fireworks may well begin popping again!
Your Turn: What kind of relationship issues impact your sexual intimacy? Can you see any ways to improve them? Leave a comment below.
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How’s the Communication in Your Marriage?
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