Deep inside a woman’s soul is the desire to be wanted. God put it there. And all the feminism, the violence against women, and the other painful distortions this world has put on women, have not succeeded in drowning out that desire.
Do you want your husband to desire you? For some women the answer is a clear Yes. But instead of desirable, you have often felt pushed away, unimportant, and almost unseen. You may be tired of him wanting anything – or anyone – else but you. You remember what it felt like for him to desire you, and you would love for him to want you again, even though you might not be sure how to respond if he did.
For some women the answer is a qualified No. Being wanted has too often meant manipulation, selfish demands, and emotional and physical pain. Instead of a woman, his desire has left you feeling like a thing, used, abused, and used up. You might not even admit it to yourself, but you work at making yourself undesirable to keep from getting hurt.
Your husband is completely responsible for his behavior. No exceptions. But God gave you unique qualities designed to help your husband be the man God wants him to be. You know the saying, “Behind every good man is a good woman.” There’s a certain amount of Biblical truth in that statement!
There’s something extremely meaningful about drawing your husband’s desires your way. And you may be surprised at your own happiness and the stronger intimacy between you as a result.
Here’s how you can help your husband desire you:
- Be a safe place for him to be himself. There is a part of every man that is still a little boy. Most men don’t like to show that part of themselves to others. And every man also carries memories, weaknesses, fears, and regrets he would prefer to keep hidden. Be the one person he doesn’t have to hide from. Provide the listening ear, the open heart, the honest refuge he can count on. He’ll be drawn to a place where he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells, where he is loved for who he is instead of needing to pretend to be someone else.
- Recognize his visual triggers. We’re getting into dangerous territory here, but it’s important. Refusing to understand this part of your husband’s makeup won’t make it go away. Don’t let your personal feelings about your appearance get in the way of helping your husband. This does not mean you must be a size 2 model, and wear designer clothes. What’s important is showing that you care enough about him to take care of yourself. Get help to lose weight if you need to. Let him catch you undressed or undressing. And every now and then get dressed up the way you know he likes it.
- Believe in him. Although this works for anyone, men especially need to know that they have what it takes. And most men feel more than a little beaten up out there in the world every day. He needs to know that the person who knows him best is always on his side. Encourage him when he needs it. Point out the positive results of his efforts. Be his biggest cheerleader, and he’ll be always looking for you in the stands.
- Respond to him. Yes, this means sexually. But it means a lot more than that. A man will not usually keep attempting something where he continues to fail. How you respond when he attempts to connect with you will make all the difference. So yes, when he wants to be intimate respond accordingly if you can. But it also matters what you do when he tries to communicate, makes an effort to help around the house, plans something romantic, or does something to invite God into your marriage.
- Demonstrate your respect for him. In some ways respect fulfills a man’s needs even more than love does, at least in the way women usually think of love. Most men will gravitate to where they feel respected. Don’t try to be his mother: he doesn’t need another one of those. Be a helper who looks for the good in him, and speaks well of him both at home and when you’re around others. Offer him the gift of your respect, and he will want to stick around for more.
Being the object of your husband’s desire is much more than a sexual issue. It’s a God-given responsibility, and a privilege.
Your Turn: How do you feel about being the object of your husband’s desire? What have you discovered about yourself that brings his desires your way? Leave a comment below.
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