What to Do when Your Husband Calls You Frigid

5 Things a Christian Wife Needs to Know


Your husband berates you when you turn down his requests for sex, or when you don’t want to do the sexual acts he would like. Perhaps he even lobs Scripture at you, criticizing you for not meeting his sexual needs as the Bible says you should. Your husband calls you frigid. (Is that still a word the “younger generation” knows and uses? I could be dating myself.)

Your heart is crushed. You feel embarrassed or ashamed, or perhaps angry. Is there something wrong with you?

There are couples where the wife has a stronger sexual desire than her husband, and some husbands have learned wonderful ways to help their wives enjoy physical intimacy. But some Christian wives carry a boatload of guilt and/or shame about their sexual response or lack thereof.

Let me help unburden your heart. Here are 5 things to know as a Christian wife.

  1. You have the right to say NO.

Your husband does not own you. Your body is not his property. You are not sinning when you say NO to your husband’s request for sex. God gave you the responsibility of caring for your mind, body, and soul in a way that first and foremost honors Him, and that allows you to offer your best self to your husband, your family, and others He places in your life.

That means if you’re used up, exploited, and empty, part of your responsibility is to find godly healthy ways to get filled up again. You don’t sit back and wait for someone else to fill you; you proactively go after the nourishment your soul needs.

  1. God made your husband to desire sex.

Your husband is not a brute because he wants sex frequently.

Continue Reading »

How to Disinfect Your Shame

AshamedWe are all wounded. Life happens to us. People hurt us. And we hurt ourselves. But when the infection of shame sets in the pain of those wounds can become unbearable and permanent.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to function so well after even serious trauma, while others who suffered the same indignity seem permanently paralyzed? Wounds such as child abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, marital infidelity, business failure, abortion, or addiction are painful. Always. But some people overcome them, heal from the wounds, and move on. Others seem stuck as though the wound happened just yesterday.

The difference is shame. Healing doesn’t happen once shame infects those wounds.

As a physician I sometimes must treat a patient whose surgical wound has become infected. Those wounds are incredibly painful, and they won’t heal until the infection is eliminated.

Shame is like that infection. And you’ll only heal from the wounds others have caused you and that you’ve caused yourself when you bring your shame into the light.                  Tweet that.

Continue Reading »

How to “Make Up” When You’ve Hurt Your Spouse

Couple TalkingAs uncomfortable as it may be, saying “I’m sorry” for a small thing to someone you may never see again really isn’t all that hard. The stakes are much higher when you’ve hurt the one you promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of your life. Making things right with your spouse is more difficult, but it’s a skill you’ll need to learn if you want a long and healthy marriage.

Unless you’re ready for translation, you and I each do things that hurt those closest to us. Sometimes it’s an honest mistake, completely without intention to cause harm. Other times we cause harm through carelessness or weakness, or because we’re hurting ourselves. And then there are times we know we’re doing something that will hurt him or her, but we do it anyway.

In the end what matters is that you caused them pain. Ouch! It’s easy to get defensive and try to explain away what you did, but that only drives you farther apart. If you want your marriage to survive you need to do everything possible on your end to repair the relationship. It starts with you.

Continue Reading »

What to Do If You Feel Guilty After Watching 50 Shades of Grey

Guilty WomanThree years ago the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy became a publishing phenomenon. And 10 days ago the movie version made a box office splash. Christian bloggers, speakers, and talk-show hosts have offered strong criticism decrying the graphic portrayal of sexuality and male-female roles in a way that they find offensive.

But Christian woman have been reading the books and watching the movie. And at least some of them have felt dirty, guilty, or otherwise uncomfortable afterwards. If you’ve watched or read and feel in some way guilty after watching 50 Shades, then this post is for you.

Our society provides many opportunities to become desensitized to ungodly things. Messages relating to both violence and sexuality are present all around us. Perhaps one might think, “Why not become familiar with what everyone is talking about? Then I can engage intelligently. And surely there’s redeeming value even in what seems somewhat negative. I’ll focus on the good parts.”

And then you read. Or you watch. And something in you changes. If you read the entire book (or series), you undoubtedly had a more difficult time reading the first explicit passages, and things became easier as you continued. Just that experience alone should demonstrate to you how easy it is to become desensitized.

If there’s something in you that feels uncomfortable after engaging with 50 Shades of Grey, that’s a good thing. That demonstrates you are not closed to the Holy Spirit’s tug on your heart. I encourage you to listen, to follow that discomfort, and hear whatever God might want to tell you.

And let me point out that if you’ve struggled to justify watching or reading this material, that very fact should remind you that something in you knows it’s not OK with God.

Here are a few suggestions about what to do with the discomfort you may be feeling:

Continue Reading »

7 Things to Do If You’re Sad

Depressed on a BenchHave you ever cried so hard and so long you thought it would never end? Or have you become so used to your sadness that you can’t imagine ever having a moment of happiness again?

I know what that feels like. I’ve been there. Over a period of four years I experienced long periods of time when all I could do was cry. I’d curl up in a little ball on the floor of my bedroom and cry. When I couldn’t sleep because I was crying so much I’d walk the streets at night, crying for hours. At work the next day I’d struggle to see through eyes that were sore and swollen.

That was twenty years ago now. Thankfully God brought me healing in some wonderful ways. People who know me now cannot imagine that I was ever such a distressed young woman. Today I’m happy 90% of the time. I love life!

Perhaps you’re feeling sad because you’ve missed out on some things in life you really needed and wanted. Perhaps you’re sad because someone (or many people) abused and misused you, and you feel worth no more than a puddle on the floor. Perhaps you’ve lost someone close to you and you’re finding it difficult to build a new life without them. Or perhaps you don’t know why, but you’re just sad.

Continue Reading »