How Can I Get My Spouse To . . . ? Facing a Miserable Marriage

Getting Your Wants and Needs Met in Marriage

One of the most common questions I am asked is some variation of “How can I get my spouse to . . ?” I hear from men and women every day who feel stuck in a miserable marriage. Is that you?

In a healthy marriage many of your mutual needs are met. But too often that doesn’t happen. You can easily become trapped in a cycle of trying everything you can think of to get your spouse to meet your needs – without success. But the harder you try things only seem to become worse. You’re tempted to believe your spouse has made it their mission in life to make you miserable.

You don’t have to remain stuck in marriage misery! You have a lot more power than you think. Your needs can be met.

In this video I offer 3 suggestions for how to get your wants and needs met in marriage.

In this video you’ll discover:

  • where your power and influence lies in your marriage
  • the single most important “trick” to get your spouse to do what you need or want
  • the key to getting your deepest needs met

Watch the video here.

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What is Victory in Spiritual Warfare?

How to Know When You've Won

Iwo Jima MemorialIf you don’t know what victory looks like, how will you know when you get there?

In recent decades our nation’s military actions have often been hampered by, among other things, the lack of a clear picture of victory. A specific group or nation has become dangerous, an honest threat to our interests or our way of life, and so we go to war – sort of. Our nation’s armed forces are the best in the world. But moving forward with unclear objectives or settling for half victories leads to frustration, loss, and eventual defeat.

In World War II the soldiers who landed on the beach at Normandy or the Marines who planted the US flag on Mt. Suribachi on Iwo Jima knew they might not survive. But they knew their objective, and they knew what victory would look like. Our soldiers who fought in Viet Nam or more recently in Afghanistan have been no less personally committed, but fuzzy objectives and an unclear victory have added even further suffering to their sacrifice.

Politics or popularity or the idea of a just war aside, a nation – or an individual – MUST know what they’re fighting for in order to win.

Do you?

Do you know what your objective is? Do you know what winning in spiritual warfare looks like?

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3 Keys to Help You Manage Emotions

Your Feelings can be Useful, not Destructive

Emotional BabyHave you picked up the habit of expressing yourself with emoticons? They fill our text messages, Facebook status updates, and more. Expressing emotions can be helpful, but “expressing emotions” can sometimes also be dangerous. Stuffing your feelings can be just as dangerous, resulting in serious physical and mental distress. There must be an alternative – a way to manage emotions without letting them completely manage you.

We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have strong feelings. Rage, grief, terror, pain, shock, ecstasy, excitement, desire, joy, love – those are just some of the emotions our minds and bodies feel. (Some of those are more than just emotions, but you get the idea.) A life or even a day completely devoid of emotions is almost inhuman. (If that’s you, you need a different kind of help than this post. Find some help right away!) God built into us the ability to feel deeply; it’s part of the way we are created in His image.

Emotions have been called energy-in-motion, and there’s a lot of truth to that.

Two Dangers in Managing Emotions

In our humanness emotions often get us into one of two dangerous situations.

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3 Keys to Winning a Spiritual Battle Every Time

Do This, Not That in Spiritual Warfare

Light SaberThis week I received an emotional letter from a new reader; “I’ve been through a life-long journey of spiritual warfare since I can remember.” She then described one spiritual battle after another involving her personal experience with God, her marriage, her character development, and more. She’s worn out, afraid, and worried that she and those she cares about won’t be saved in the end. I felt tired for her as I read about all she is dealing with. (And I wrote my new friend back with some suggestions.)

Yes, we are in the middle of a war. And this war is much more dangerous and often feels more confusing than any involving terrorism. Sometimes we fight and struggle and worry until we are completely spent in body, mind, and soul. And sometimes we give up in either small or large ways for periods of time; we’re not winning, so why keep trying? The hopelessness and weariness overwhelm us until the fear or guilt whip our fragmented souls into flinging around a sword once more in a futile attempt to defeat what we cannot see but believe must be there.

Is that the picture of spiritual warfare we are doomed to live with?

If that’s the way you feel, I want to plead with you right now – STOP IT ALREADY!

I’ve seen and heard from too many frustrated, worn out, defeated, discouraged believers who feel duty bound to keep fighting but experience no victory. I’ve spent sad periods of my own life that way in the past also.

And I know there’s a better way!

How NOT to Fight a Spiritual Battle

Some teaching on spiritual warfare has done us a disservice. If fighting a spiritual battle is all about an individual believer, or a group of believers, discovering or mustering up some superior spiritual weapon to go out swashbuckling against the devil, then you and I are sunk!

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Depressed Husband, Lonely Wife

Is there anything you can do to get your needs met?

A very lonely wife reached out to me: “I have a great husband, but he doesn’t take care of me intimately. I just want him to want me!” Her husband is struggling with depression, but she feels her own needs are being seriously neglected. She doesn’t know how to deal with her frustration and emptiness.

Intimacy is a core need of both husbands and wives. But a lot more than physical intimacy – sex – is involved. There are at least Four Facets to Intimacy, and if any one of them are lacking a spouse can feel desperately lonely. The connection in your marriage won’t get better simply by wishing it to be so; you need to take some action.

But what happens when your spouse just doesn’t have the capacity – either temporarily or long-term – to create the kind of intimacy you want and need? Is there any way to get your needs met in a healthy way?

In this video I offer lonely wives some help:

  • some insight into the role depression may be playing in Janice’s marriage
  • 3 suggestions for what wives can do when their husbands are not meeting their needs for intimacy
  • what a lonely wife CAN do to get her needs met

Watch the video here.

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